the days pass slowly
i try to find something
anything
to fill the hours, minutes,
seconds
pain and numbness take turns
mocking me
i’m sorry i keep holding on
to what i thought we had
i’m trying to move on
to let you go
to find myself
in this sea of
choices
the day i thought would never come
has finally made an appearance
i’m left alone, completely
isolated
So, I’ve been pretty busy lately. I’ve needed to write, but I haven’t really had the desire or the time. I’ve started to lose my way…
Thoughts have been crossing my mind recently that are almost un-nerving. The more I am left to myself, the less I feel like I need people. I’m content being alone. I have learned to not thrive on interactions with other people. My thoughts and writings have been my only constant companion and I like it like that. Nevertheless, I am forced to interact with other people for extended periods of time in order to get tasks accomplished. Exhibit A: my statistics project which is a partner project. Exhibit B: lab time for zoology. Exhibit C: walking in the door at home. I’ve had constant contact with other people and have had to sacrifice my personal time to help others pass class.
And I finally got to think the other night. And I realised: I feel more alone when I am around people. I feel the need to be around more and more people after having spent an hour talking with someone else. I imagine myself looking around, searching for someone, finding them and just hugging. I imagine just sitting next to someone else and being completely quiet, while saying so much.
It’s positive feedback. I don’t mean it is a good thing, I mean it’s a situation where exposure to something makes you crave it and there is no platuea.
I mentioned to a friend today that I am getting close to one of those days where I just want to cry. Not from hormones, but from the constant exposure to people. I’m pretty confident that she didn’t understand what I was meaning, and I guess that is okay. I didn’t really expect her to get it.
I’ve figured out why I like to be alone.
I’ve figured out why I am the way I am.
I’ve figured out… me.
That said, I have a project due and I need to work on it. Alone.
nothing comes to mind
nothing screams to be written
nothing feels like it is building
up
trying
to get out
trying
to be released
i sit in front of paper and a pen
wanting so bad to put down thoughts
feelings
words that mean something
to someone
anyone
you even
I know it doesn’t matter
there is no point
everything needing to be voiced
has been
written at one point
I’m not sure if that is even a word…but I’m using it anyway. =)
Uni: I am currently working on my second laboratory report. I am having trouble changing the way my mind thinks about these things. It’s completely different from what I am used to…more or less. The best way I can describe it is like when you go to a new town. You can look at the map hundreds of times, you know how the roads work and what the symbols mean, but actually putting it into practice and driving somewhere is more difficult because you aren’t used to it. Kind of like switching the driver’s side in a car. Everything is the same, but your muscle memory is not geared for it. So, I’m working on it. I have been sitting in the same spot since 9:30am and it’s now noon. I am taking a well deserved break. And maybe a cupcake.
Other classes are going okay. I am passing zoology labs fairly well. Nothing below 60%. Earth Science and GIS is going to kick my butt though. I don’t get the reason behind making maps when I am going to be sitting in a lab anyway. Statistics is fine, just a little stressful from the essay that is due soon.
Overall, not that bad. Just a little stress.
Work: Nothing can go here. I will not be getting a job until after I come back from Japan.
Japan: I’m so excited! We are leaving probably early December instead of late November so Caleb can work some extra hours or something. There was an advertisement on the tv the other day when he said we should start looking at tickets. Two for the price of one! It only works for carry-on baggage, but we won’t need anything else anyway. A former co-worker/friend of Caleb is going to let us leave the majority of our stuff at his place. Thank God. I don’t think we have enough stuff to pack all my things anyway. :p So, we leave in about 6 weeks or so.
Family/Friends: My sister had her baby, James Everett, and he is the cutest thing. He’s about six weeks old and already turning over on his own and getting teeth. Super Baby! My parents are over the moon with the new grandbaby, as expected. I talked to Martin a while ago and he is doing just fine over in Oklahoma. I miss that boy though. I’ve tried to call him a few times, but the connection won’t hold. It’s the weirdest thing. Misty has some extra stress unfortunately, with the job and school. It will pass though. She’s strong. I’ve been keeping in touch with Nicole through e-mails. I can’t believe we ever drifted apart, it just doesn’t seem like it’s been that long since we’ve talked. We go way back and I’m pretty sure that no matter what happens, she and I will be able to pick up the phone and it’s like no time had ever passed.
Extra: I turned 21 a couple weeks back. And nothing has changed. If I was still back in the States, I’m sure it would be different. But since I am here and I have been able to buy my own alcohol since I landed, it doesn’t feel like anything has changed. I still feel like I am 19. I’m pretty sure I’ll always do that. I talked to my sister, she is 23, and she does the same thing. For her, we will always be around 14 and 16.
For my birthday, I woke up that morning and went to the beach. It was such a nice day. I’ve never been able to swim or lay out in late September, so that was pretty cool. I came back to the unit and played around on the internet till Caleb got off work. We went to get some groceries (the meat auction is only on Saturdays, so we needed to get food) and on the way back stopped at Nando’s. It’s this awesome chicken place, we even got free marinade. 
On the way back home, we stopped in at Cellarbrations and got some wine and wine coolers. I didn’t go out that evening, haha. Sunday, we just goofed off. We were going to go to Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary but the bus ride didn’t sound all that appealing, so we just got ice cream and talked. I was almost going to buy a dress, but nothing screamed at me. (shrug) If the clothes don’t talk to me, then I don’t want to buy them. We went back home and I started my week-long vacation from uni.
I finally made the cupcakes my mom sent me. I was hoping to make the cake, but I had muffin mix as well and I didn’t want to buy two kitchen things when we are going to be out of the country for over a month. So, cupcakes it was. They are a big hit here. I might have to ask for me to be sent over.
I guess I am done rambling for now. I will probably be on later with heaps of writings. I am so behind.
Off to work on my lab report again…
A deep breath released and another taken
Hoping things would turn out alright,
She opened the door to her new guests.
The visitors cautiously walked in and looked
All around them were the cliched objects:
Monitors, graphs, pictures and test tubes.
She was still beaming with pride and joy
Believing her life’s work was completed.
They were there, they were here.
“So, what do you think? Are you surprised?”
She asked as she fumbled around to get drinks,
“Is it just what you expected? Or better?”
The guests looked at each other all thinking the same,
Questioning why they agreed to visit her at all.
“What are you wanting from us?” they asked.
“Well now, don’t you think that is a silly question?
I am not the visitor here, am I?” She grinned.
I’ve had a pretty shitty couple of days. I’ve been getting sick and my mind really is not where it should be. I realised that today when I was walking to class. In the wrong building. I did the same thing the day before for the exact same class. I got all the way to the room and remembered that lectures aren’t held in there. So, I had to walk all the way to the other side of the campus to the right building and the right room for that class. I made the same mistake today. I got off the bus at the wrong stop and had to walk for about 10 minutes to get to the correct building.
I don’t know where my mind is. I can’t concentrate in class. I zone out and think about something that is not relevant to the class for a while and then as the lecturer moves, I get stirred out of it and forced back to reality. I missed two whole slides today in zoology because of it. I can’t even tell you what I was thinking about, because I don’t remember it.
Something is wrong with me. And I don’t know what it is.
I did some similar stuff like this back in university in Missouri. I was putting on make up or something in the bathroom when the thought of how much I love Colgate toothpaste crosses my mind. It didn’t strike me as odd until I got back to my room and saw that I don’t even use Colgate.
I think I am missing something or getting too much of something else.
I’ve realised that this affects my relations with other people too. At first I thought it was stress, but now I’m not so sure. I was working on a report last Monday when I kept getting texts from someone. I was getting short with my responses and I could feel myself resenting the people at the table who were talking loudly and moving my stuff. I don’t normally care. They weren’t talking any louder than usual and my things weren’t really moved much and I was responding to all the texts like I usually do, but something was different and I wasn’t myself.
I have cut before. And that was never in an attempt to end my life. It was more of a release. I felt something other than emotional pain, and it was good. I have stopped, but I don’t know if that is permanent. I see opportunities and I contemplate taking them. I don’t expect it to help my current situation, but it’s a way to distract myself while I figure other things out. And it was probably not the best idea to put that up here. But no one really reads this anyone, so I don’t care at this point.
I don’t want to go to a shrink who will try to get me to tell them deep, dark secrets or search my past (which is never reliable when told by anyone) for answers to why I am “acting out of character” because I’ve done all that. I went to therapy, unpaid and provided by the university, my last semester because I was thinking about suicide. I took myself there without any one’s contribution and within a week, I was back to “normal” me. Nothing was revelational there, nothing was figured out. I just stopped thinking about it. (I should add that I never wanted to commit suicide. I just thought about what it would be like and how to do it. I never took any steps to follow through with it. I have never been suicidal.)
I don’t know what to do though. I think I might start searching the web for answers. You would be hard-pressed to find something in a book that is not on the internet. So, I am going to do a little soul searching or something, I guess.
But right now, I have a statistics test.
he got you good
didn’t he?
all that sweet talk
all those roses
all that romance
he tricked you
into believing
things would always
be like that
you would always
feel that
special
he got you good
didn’t he?
I saw you sitting there
Your blue dress complimenting the grass
Your long hair blown by the wind
I saw you sitting there
Passing the time with a coffee
Passing the time by watching others
I saw you sitting there
All alone, left to your thoughts
All alone, left by your friends
I saw you sitting there
I saw your tear fall
I saw your hand shake
I saw you sitting there…
And I kept walking
My dearest love,
You know my heart
and you know my mind.
Our wants and needs
of life are intertwined.
Your blue eyes pierced me
when we last spoke…
There is no excuse for me
I am the reason we broke.
I am at a loss for words,
I’ve said everything I can.
For the first time in my life
I have no plan.
The ball is in your court
I am taking myself out.
You are okay without me,
Of that I have no doubt.
Yours always…
I am not a single, I am the product of everyone who has touched my life in some way, whether for good or for bad, I am the product of all my experiences. Some which have left me full of joy and love, others that have left me heart-broken and feeling empty. Without any of these I would not be who I am today. And I love who I am, I am at peace with myself.
I am not alone. I have my friends whom I could not live without and who I know I can trust with anything. They are there for me always and forever and know me better than any other living people. They love me as I am, weirdness and all and don’t expect me to change. Thanks to all of you, you mean more to me that you could ever know.
I am not one, I am one plus Jesus. He is always with me no matter what happens. He loves me unconditionally, and that is more than I could ever ask for. He gives me everything, life, joy, comfort, friendship, love..
I do like the term single. It implies something bad, and I do not feel that being “single” is anything to be ashamed of. I am in the most important relationships of my life: with God and those closest to me. I would not trade those for any guy in the world.
I love who I am, and I am not scared to be “alone” because I know I never truly am. For all of my friends who feel the need to be in a dating relationship, slow down, be “single”, fall in love with who you are and accept yourself. Only then are you truly ready to fall in love with someone else.
A young girl with a blue balloon
walked along this footpath some time ago.
She was no more than ten years old
wearing a dress with a matching bow.
April was her name, though not many knew
of her story and the trials she faced.
A step-father addicted to the drink,
a mother who got married in haste.
Innocence taken away before its time
and silence demanded in its place,
the burdens of a young girl’s heart
are rarely shown on her delicate face.
The strength of April’s spirit soared each evening
she prayed for courage and wisdom when she woke;
One morning came and her prayer was answered
“Hallelujah” was all she spoke.
I was talking to a friend I haven’t spoken to in years yesterday. It was good to hear from her and know that she is doing okay. Things kind of fell apart at the end of our friendship, a large part was due to me. So, I didn’t know how things would be when we talked. However, things went well and we are okay. And I owe her for the topic of this blog or whatever it is. Thank you Laura.
I have been aware of this for some time, but I never really admitted it or told anyone about it. It isn’t like I am ashamed about it or anything, but I didn’t know how people would react to it. So I held it back. Which, is exactly what I didn’t tell them. I know that makes no sense, but it is what I do.
I am less likely to tell my secrets or thoughts or opinions or feelings to someone I know well. My close friends and family know next to nothing about what I think, my ideals, my feelings, what is in my heart. I tell strangers or new friends more about me than someone who I have known and trusted for years.
And I think I know why now. Someone who I have known for years, someone I have become close to has formed an opinion about me and knows certain things; therefore if I tell them something new or contradicting, then I have to explain more. If I talk to someone who knows nothing about me, then everything is possible, there is no preconceived notion of why I did something or didn’t do something or what is really going on. It’s a clean slate. It’s new. It’s not tainted by the past. I can be exactly who I am, or who I want to be with no strings attached. It’s wonderful.
The only problem is that after so long, the new friend is no longer new and I cannot tell them things. The cycle has to start over.
I can be physically comfortable with someone after a while of being emotionally comfortable, which is the way I think it should happen. But, once I am physically comfortable, I cannot be emotionally comfortable. And I get stuck trying to be the person I was when I first met that person, which is not the same as the person I was when I met someone else, so if I get put in a situation where the two are together, then I cannot be anyone at all.
…I might elaborate on this later. I might now. I have a lot of thinking to do.
Connie is a woman I’ve met only once in my life. But she is one of the most amazing people I will ever have the privilege of knowing and be blessed enough to say she is a friend. This was posted on her blog, sadly no longer continued, in the winter of 2008. The red part at the bottom is the only part I would add for my personal life. Otherwise, she has taken the words right out of my heart.
If you say you love me……please don’t stop talking to me, and please let me talk to you. If you don’t, I will feel like you left me, even if you are still in the house.
If you say you love me….please don’t stop listening when I am talking to you. I know I talk alot sometimes but I promise I will stop at some point. And the cool thing that I’ve learned about myself if that the more someone truly listens to me…the less I feel the need to talk. I didn’t know that for a long time but it’s true.
If you say you love me….please don’t stop touching me, and please let me keep touching you. Otherwise, I will think you are embarrassed to be with seen with me, or worse, repulsed.
If you say you love me….please don’t ‘try’ to impress me….I won’t be impressed…..believe me, I won’t. I’ll see through it. I promise I will. I’ve had a lot of experience with people who think more highly of themselves than they ought. Who you are….who you really truly are…..that is enough….way more than enough for me.
If you say you love me….please don’t mock me, especially in front of other people and/or behind my back.
If you say you love me….please don’t talk negatively about me to other people. If you have something to say that I need to know, tell me to my face. I can handle the truth……I promise, I can handle the truth.
If you say you love me….please don’t think I need a big house, expensive clothes, expensive trips…..even to Hawaii. I’ve never been there but I don’t have to go there. Naples is good…..I’d rather go to Naples….especially with a little Otis or Beatles in the car.
If you say you love me….please don’t hold me back, hold me down, kill my enthusiasm……all it does is make me question myself and then ultimately I will question you.
If you say you love me….please don’t ever placate me. I cannot STAND that. I’ve been treated like “the slow one” most of my life by people I wanted to please with every fiber of my being. I can’t do it anymore.
If you say you love me…please fight with me if you have to, turn my face toward you if you need my attention and you aren’t getting it, please tell me the truth, even if it’s just your truth, and we’ll sort through it.
If you say you love me….please DON’T IGNORE ME. Especially when I am trying to communicate with you. It makes me feel worthless. It makes me feel like I’m not worth your time, your effort, your attention.
If you say you love me….please help me be the best I can be and let me help you be the best you can be.
If you say you love me….please help me to fly. If I never do, that’s okay….just please don’t tell me I can’t. It kills my spirit before I’ve even gotten the chance to try.
If you say you love me….please, please God, please, let me trust you. I need to trust you. Trust has become a precious commodity for me these days. I have found out of late that I’d rather live in my car with the God I trust than in a mansion with a liar.
If you say you love me….please, let me love you without reserve, with no holding back, with no limits. If you put me in a box…expect me to be like everyone else you’ve known…you’ll kill me more surely than if you took a knife to my chest. Come to think of it, a knife to the chest would probably hurt less.
If you say you love me…please don’t keep secrets from me. It only makes me think you have something to hide that will hurt me. I’m not a child, I can handle more than you think.
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