1.26.2010

So, today is Australia Day (January 26) and I did nothing but clean and organise my room. I was hoping to go to the library to meet with a friend and get some books to brush up on my chemistry, but those plans fell through, as did the plans with the same friend to go out tonight. It isn’t that big of a deal, but it would have been nice to go out and dance.
I have been trying to keep up with my to-do list. I can count to three in Japanese now. I have read two chapters in Proverbs. I found my sharpies. That one wasn’t on there, but I did find them when I was cleaning my room. I also found heaps of pictures from years ago. I think I might try to add them to Facebook, but I don’t really want to get them back out again and spend that much time on the computer. I mean, I found heaps and heaps of pictures. It was like a trip literally down memory lane. I also found my German books and notes, as well as some French books. I also realised that there are too many pens and pencils and markers and highlighters in my possession. I threw away about half and still have almost 100 writing utensils. Then, I found my old painting and drawing materials. I used to sit and sketch and paint and create all the time, and I miss it. I’ll have to pick that back up again. I need to get rid of some things in here…my room is too cluttered.

I’m tired of seeing/hearing this…

I got this link originally from Reddit.com, which took me to Imgur.com and it was uploaded by user devrelm.

I’ve seen people on my Facebook friend list post this as their status. I didn’t agree with it, but I kind of saw where they were coming from. The people of Haiti are not in their MonkeySphere, for lack of a better term. The average person in America, especially Arkansas, doesn’t have friends or family in Haiti and therefore cannot come to care for them as such. I’m the same way, to a point. When I heard about the earthquakes and the number of presumed dead, I was saddened but not the same magnitude I would have felt if one friend had died. The people of Haiti are not close to me but that does not make them worth any less as humans.

I love the comment posted by Mike. I wish more people here realised that.

….I have no idea where to begin this. So much is going through my head and I can’t focus on just one thing anymore. I know a lot of people want to ask questions, but I can’t answer them either because it’s none of their business or it would seriously take all day to get them to the point of understanding because so much has happened.

I made a list about a week ago. I used to make to-do lists all the time in high school. Kind of like my way of coping with stress and deadlines and such. This one was a little more difficult to write.
-Get copies of transcripts mailed
-Get sponsorship for CNA classes
-Re-enrol in CNA classes
-Re-enrol in uni classes
-Look into tutoring chemistry (high school?)
-Looking into mentoring kiddos
-Learn one phrase in Japanese every day
-Set up library account (use Misty’s address)
-Read one chapter a day from Bible
I need to add some things to it, but that’s what I wrote down that day.

I have failed at most of these things. I found out the other day that I’m most likely going to owe the uni in Australia some money or something. I never technically withdrew from the school, and I cannot simply fill out the forms to do so. Since I was an international student, I was supposed to meet with an international advisor prior to submitting the application. So I’m waiting on a response from some people over there before I go any further. I found out this when I also found the application for a transcript. I will have to pay ten dollars for them to mail a copy to the uni I will be attending this summer. I’m putting off getting the transcript from the other university due to the past communications. I have to re-enrol in CNA classes because I was sick as the second week. I took a trip to Joplin after the first week of classes to see some friends and I came back with an illness. I was convinced it was strep throat the first day and had to miss class on Tuesday so I could go to the doctor and get medication. My mother called into work and told them she’d be a little late since she had to take me to the doctor and my two-year old cousin, Hannah Grace, to Mommy’s Day Out. On the way, Hannah Grace told my mum that I needed a band-aid. Anyway, the doctor tested for strep and it was negative; then stated that mono needed to be considered. However, since it was early on in the illness, he wanted to try an antibiotic and if I wasn’t better by Friday to go back for blood tests. I was better on Thursday. The bad news is since I missed two days of classes I couldn’t continue my CNA training and would have to restart everything. The even worse news is the next in-take for CNA classes is February 2^nd. I’m unsure about mentoring and tutoring, but I’ve been thinking it would be nice to volunteer and help kids in the area. I love kids and I love teaching, so it might work. I’ve got a thing for learning different… things and Japanese is one of them at the moment. I figure I’ll need to know at least one Asian language in Australia and Japanese seems to be the best one to learn given my resources. I’ve discovered anime and I do enjoy hearing them speak. I guess I’m just curious and intrigued. I did this a few years back with German and really enjoyed it.
I need to get back to where I was in high school. In terms of my walk with God at least. I was so excited about going to church and hearing a message and talking to him daily. I’ve strayed so much. So, I’m reading (or at least attempting to) a chapter at least every day. I’ve not been doing so well with this one either. I did read today out of Proverbs. I’ll probably start posting about it too.

I would write more, but it’s getting late and I’ll have to be up early tomorrow to watch the kids.

Protected: Just hear me out. Use the same password as the last one.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

starting again

I start classes tomorrow to be a certified nurse assistant, or CNA. 8 am will come too early, but it’s going to be well worth it.
Once I start classes, I have three weeks to get a sponsor to pay the $480 for tuition and sign a contract to work around a year. No dramas.
I talked to the local university and have enrolled. Summer classes start soon and I will be registering for as many science classes as possible.
…I’m going to have a surplus of at least $10,000 by the end of the year. I have to have it.

The drama has certainly picked up since I’ve been back, and it’s not all bad. I miss having real situations to talk about and helping people. I don’t miss being involved in said drama and having to walk on egg shells around other people.
I can’t mention several points here, but things have gotten…odd. I’m not sure what the hell is going on anymore. I’m trying not to care…

Top Five

So, here’s my favourite photos of the year (that I have access to). In no particular order…

My awesome cousin Hannah found some of my Dad’s hot peanuts. I snapped this as quick as I could. She held a face for a while that was super cute, but I missed it.

For the first time in over 25 years, snow was present in Van Buren, Arkansas. There wasn’t heaps, but enough to make everyone smile a little bit more.

I took a couple of days to see some friends up in Missouri. We had a blast even though we (mainly I) suck at dancing.

This…this photo has a story behind it. It was taken earlier this year by a person who is very special to me. I miss him.

I had a view that took my breath away in the mornings for the first month or so that I was in Australia. The beach is directly behind me when I see this view.

guess where I am now…

I am sitting at the computer desk in my parents’ house in Arkansas. Again.
…and I absolutely hate it.

I had to leave Australia for reasons beyond my control. No, they did not have anything to do with the fact that the relationship I was in when I arrived down under went sour very quickly, though some people will not believe me when I say that. The fact of the matter is: university tuition became a burden for my parents, so much so I could not ask them to go into more debt for me. When I first got to Australia, the exchange rate was around $0.65 American for $1.00 Australian. When I was looking at the exchange rate this past month it was $0.97 American for $1.00 Australian. One thousand dollars was really one thousand dollars again. Had the Australian dollar not gained so much strength (or the American dollar loose so much) I would have stayed in Queensland and would be enrolled in classes again for Semester 1. Alas, I am not.
Most people look at me and ask why I didn’t get a job to help pay for school. I tried. Ninety percent of job openings were for business hours only, not a schedule that my classes would allow. The other ten percent of job openings were for positions that I was not qualified for. So, finding a job that I could actually keep was more difficult than anyone expected.

There is more to the story than that, as one would imagine, but I am leaving it there for now. I have too much on my mind, like…

…getting enrolled in university over here. I will return to Australia (though some people don’t believe me when I say that either) with a degree. Or a marriage certificate. I will find the cheapest, quickest route to permanent residency in Australia as soon as possible. I will have to finish my degree in the States though, much to my dismay. I was really counting on a diploma from Oz with certified qualifications and such in order to almost guarantee a job in the country. Contrary to my family’s ideas, a degree from the States does not always mean you are considered better educated. Especially when that degree is from a small town in a small state that no one in Australia knows of. Other than Bill Clinton’s homestate.

…getting a job. I need to get some money soon. My parents are not doing as well financially as most people seem to think, and I hate asking for more money to go see friends they don’t know. Or paying for my food. Or my entertainment. I hate asking them for money anymore. I’m old enough to support myself, and as soon as I get a job, I am helping with bills. I’ve got to get two jobs at least, in order to save up money to backpack through Europe before I return to Australia. And the visa I will need to get a job there. And the plane tickets. And my trip to New York. I’ve got to get a job as soon as possible.

…my sister. I received a call this morning from my sister who lives about 5 hours away. There’s evidence of someone trying to break in to her house and she doesn’t want to be alone this weekend while her husband takes care of a sick friend. I was asked to stay with her. Anyone who knows my family knows that I do not get along with my sister. We can’t be in the same room, or house for that matter, without arguing over anything and everything. She’s very firm in her/her husband’s beliefs and I have my own way of thinking. We can’t even watch a movie without arguing over the plot or what we would have done in that position. And not to mention I would have to have fuel to get to her place and back. And if you have been reading this, you know I have no job right now and money is tight. She offered to fill my tank when I got down there, but I can’t travel very far on my small fuel tank. I feel horrible for leaving her alone, but I feel horrible for asking my parents to pay for my way down there. I’m stuck.

…my friend. I got word today that my friend who lives two hours away is in a very stressful and saddening situation. I won’t go into details here, but if you believe in God, please say a prayer for him and his family. I’m going to visit him, as planned, for New Years and hope to take his mind off the recent events.

…Australia. I keep coming back to Australia. I miss that place. I miss my friends, the beach, the sun, the atmosphere, the smell of the grass, ect. I hate thinking of it, but it keeps me going through the day.

So, now that I have actually written something here, I am going to bed. It’s late and I’m supposed to be tired. Maybe the wine will kick in soon.

Take care all.
~Kristin Nichole

Protected: the password you dont use anymore

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

long over due

the days pass slowly
i try to find something
anything
to fill the hours, minutes,
seconds
pain and numbness take turns
mocking me

i’m sorry i keep holding on
to what i thought we had
i’m trying to move on
to let you go
to find myself
in this sea of
choices

the day i thought would never come
has finally made an appearance
i’m left alone, completely
isolated

ugh

So, I’ve been pretty busy lately. I’ve needed to write, but I haven’t really had the desire or the time. I’ve started to lose my way…
Thoughts have been crossing my mind recently that are almost un-nerving. The more I am left to myself, the less I feel like I need people. I’m content being alone. I have learned to not thrive on interactions with other people. My thoughts and writings have been my only constant companion and I like it like that. Nevertheless, I am forced to interact with other people for extended periods of time in order to get tasks accomplished. Exhibit A: my statistics project which is a partner project. Exhibit B: lab time for zoology. Exhibit C: walking in the door at home. I’ve had constant contact with other people and have had to sacrifice my personal time to help others pass class.
And I finally got to think the other night. And I realised: I feel more alone when I am around people. I feel the need to be around more and more people after having spent an hour talking with someone else. I imagine myself looking around, searching for someone, finding them and just hugging. I imagine just sitting next to someone else and being completely quiet, while saying so much.
It’s positive feedback. I don’t mean it is a good thing, I mean it’s a situation where exposure to something makes you crave it and there is no platuea.
I mentioned to a friend today that I am getting close to one of those days where I just want to cry. Not from hormones, but from the constant exposure to people. I’m pretty confident that she didn’t understand what I was meaning, and I guess that is okay. I didn’t really expect her to get it.
I’ve figured out why I like to be alone.
I’ve figured out why I am the way I am.
I’ve figured out… me.

That said, I have a project due and I need to work on it. Alone.

i feel like i should write something, but…

nothing comes to mind

nothing screams to be written

nothing feels like it is building

up

trying

to get out

trying

to be released

i sit in front of paper and a pen

wanting so bad to put down thoughts

feelings

words that mean something

to someone

anyone

you even

I know it doesn’t matter

there is no point

everything needing to be voiced

has been

written at one point

recent goings-ons

I’m not sure if that is even a word…but I’m using it anyway. =)

Uni: I am currently working on my second laboratory report. I am having trouble changing the way my mind thinks about these things. It’s completely different from what I am used to…more or less. The best way I can describe it is like when you go to a new town. You can look at the map hundreds of times, you know how the roads work and what the symbols mean, but actually putting it into practice and driving somewhere is more difficult because you aren’t used to it. Kind of like switching the driver’s side in a car. Everything is the same, but your muscle memory is not geared for it. So, I’m working on it. I have been sitting in the same spot since 9:30am and it’s now noon. I am taking a well deserved break. And maybe a cupcake.
Other classes are going okay. I am passing zoology labs fairly well. Nothing below 60%. Earth Science and GIS is going to kick my butt though. I don’t get the reason behind making maps when I am going to be sitting in a lab anyway. Statistics is fine, just a little stressful from the essay that is due soon.
Overall, not that bad. Just a little stress.

Work: Nothing can go here. I will not be getting a job until after I come back from Japan.

Japan: I’m so excited! We are leaving probably early December instead of late November so Caleb can work some extra hours or something. There was an advertisement on the tv the other day when he said we should start looking at tickets. Two for the price of one! It only works for carry-on baggage, but we won’t need anything else anyway. A former co-worker/friend of Caleb is going to let us leave the majority of our stuff at his place. Thank God. I don’t think we have enough stuff to pack all my things anyway. :p So, we leave in about 6 weeks or so.

Family/Friends: My sister had her baby, James Everett, and he is the cutest thing. He’s about six weeks old and already turning over on his own and getting teeth. Super Baby! My parents are over the moon with the new grandbaby, as expected. I talked to Martin a while ago and he is doing just fine over in Oklahoma. I miss that boy though. I’ve tried to call him a few times, but the connection won’t hold. It’s the weirdest thing. Misty has some extra stress unfortunately, with the job and school. It will pass though. She’s strong. I’ve been keeping in touch with Nicole through e-mails. I can’t believe we ever drifted apart, it just doesn’t seem like it’s been that long since we’ve talked. We go way back and I’m pretty sure that no matter what happens, she and I will be able to pick up the phone and it’s like no time had ever passed.

Extra: I turned 21 a couple weeks back. And nothing has changed. If I was still back in the States, I’m sure it would be different. But since I am here and I have been able to buy my own alcohol since I landed, it doesn’t feel like anything has changed. I still feel like I am 19. I’m pretty sure I’ll always do that. I talked to my sister, she is 23, and she does the same thing. For her, we will always be around 14 and 16.
For my birthday, I woke up that morning and went to the beach. It was such a nice day. I’ve never been able to swim or lay out in late September, so that was pretty cool. I came back to the unit and played around on the internet till Caleb got off work. We went to get some groceries (the meat auction is only on Saturdays, so we needed to get food) and on the way back stopped at Nando’s. It’s this awesome chicken place, we even got free marinade. On the way back home, we stopped in at Cellarbrations and got some wine and wine coolers. I didn’t go out that evening, haha. Sunday, we just goofed off. We were going to go to Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary but the bus ride didn’t sound all that appealing, so we just got ice cream and talked. I was almost going to buy a dress, but nothing screamed at me. (shrug) If the clothes don’t talk to me, then I don’t want to buy them. We went back home and I started my week-long vacation from uni.

I finally made the cupcakes my mom sent me. I was hoping to make the cake, but I had muffin mix as well and I didn’t want to buy two kitchen things when we are going to be out of the country for over a month. So, cupcakes it was. They are a big hit here. I might have to ask for me to be sent over.

I guess I am done rambling for now. I will probably be on later with heaps of writings. I am so behind.
Off to work on my lab report again…

thoughts for the day…

I want you to sit back and think. Think about who you are. Not your name, not what you do for a living, but who you really are. I want you to fully realize who you are, soak it in. Think about all your good qualities, think about all the bad ones. I want you to realize that you are in control of what you do. You built your life, you choose your friends, your lovers, your goals, your reactions. You are the reason you are exactly where you are. You are the reason you are exactly who you are.
So, who are you?
Let it soak in and become as natural to you as your name. Think about who you are.

Now, let that person go. Let go of everything tied to that person. Let go of the emotional baggage, the worries, the fears. Let go of the consequences of being who you are.
Know who you are. Know who you can be.

Things are changing. I have come to understand things and feel things that a few months ago would have never thought possible. This past year has been a hell of a trip. I have done things, said things, felt things, been things that I wanted and some that I didn’t want.
I sat back today and realized exactly what that means.

visitors

A deep breath released and another taken
Hoping things would turn out alright,
She opened the door to her new guests.

The visitors cautiously walked in and looked
All around them were the cliched objects:
Monitors, graphs, pictures and test tubes.

She was still beaming with pride and joy
Believing her life’s work was completed.
They were there, they were here.

“So, what do you think? Are you surprised?”
She asked as she fumbled around to get drinks,
“Is it just what you expected? Or better?”

The guests looked at each other all thinking the same,
Questioning why they agreed to visit her at all.
“What are you wanting from us?” they asked.

“Well now, don’t you think that is a silly question?
I am not the visitor here, am I?” She grinned.

I’ve had a pretty shitty couple of days. I’ve been getting sick and my mind really is not where it should be. I realised that today when I was walking to class. In the wrong building. I did the same thing the day before for the exact same class. I got all the way to the room and remembered that lectures aren’t held in there. So, I had to walk all the way to the other side of the campus to the right building and the right room for that class. I made the same mistake today. I got off the bus at the wrong stop and had to walk for about 10 minutes to get to the correct building.

I don’t know where my mind is. I can’t concentrate in class. I zone out and think about something that is not relevant to the class for a while and then as the lecturer moves, I get stirred out of it and forced back to reality. I missed two whole slides today in zoology because of it. I can’t even tell you what I was thinking about, because I don’t remember it.

Something is wrong with me. And I don’t know what it is.

I did some similar stuff like this back in university in Missouri. I was putting on make up or something in the bathroom when the thought of how much I love Colgate toothpaste crosses my mind. It didn’t strike me as odd until I got back to my room and saw that I don’t even use Colgate.

I think I am missing something or getting too much of something else.

I’ve realised that this affects my relations with other people too. At first I thought it was stress, but now I’m not so sure. I was working on a report last Monday when I kept getting texts from someone. I was getting short with my responses and I could feel myself resenting the people at the table who were talking loudly and moving my stuff. I don’t normally care. They weren’t talking any louder than usual and my things weren’t really moved much and I was responding to all the texts like I usually do, but something was different and I wasn’t myself.

I have cut before. And that was never in an attempt to end my life. It was more of a release. I felt something other than emotional pain, and it was good. I have stopped, but I don’t know if that is permanent. I see opportunities and I contemplate taking them. I don’t expect it to help my current situation, but it’s a way to distract myself while I figure other things out. And it was probably not the best idea to put that up here. But no one really reads this anyone, so I don’t care at this point.

I don’t want to go to a shrink who will try to get me to tell them deep, dark secrets or search my past (which is never reliable when told by anyone) for answers to why I am “acting out of character” because I’ve done all that. I went to therapy, unpaid and provided by the university, my last semester because I was thinking about suicide. I took myself there without any one’s contribution and within a week, I was back to “normal” me. Nothing was revelational there, nothing was figured out. I just stopped thinking about it. (I should add that I never wanted to commit suicide. I just thought about what it would be like and how to do it. I never took any steps to follow through with it. I have never been suicidal.)

I don’t know what to do though. I think I might start searching the web for answers. You would be hard-pressed to find something in a book that is not on the internet. So, I am going to do a little soul searching or something, I guess.

But right now, I have a statistics test.