unfamiliar

I see a person that is unfamiliar

A new, nameless identity.

I have a strange feeling

That I knew you once

As I peer into the eyes

Filled with sadness and regret,

I can see years have robbed

The once energetic soul

And left you weary and tired,

Yearning for the life you once had.

I see the tears drops falling,

Waterfalls covering your cheeks,

Revealing your deepest fears.

Old scars speckled between new

Revealing the pain behind

The smile on your face.

I now know where I knew you before,

I saw you in the mirror.

side note

So I found out that if I change the way I write, then more people read it. And that is pretty much what happened here. I went from writing paragraphs and full sentences and trying to explain myself in a direct, specific manner to writing poems.

I had no idea that I would get readers who liked it. I almost expected it to go unnoticed. And it was to a point.

Nonetheless, I am so grateful that I wrote those. Not only because I feel more relieved, but because I found some awesome writers through it. I get to wake up in the mornings and read some of the best, most emotional poetry. I might venture to say that I wake up and get out of bed in the mornings partially because I know I will have something to read.

For the readers who visited my blog and did not see the other pages, I would love for you to take the time to look over them. Especially the “Awesome Links” part. And I will probably update the part that is supposed to be about the author this coming week.

Thank you again for taking time out of your day to read this. Hopefully a new post will find its way here.

words

the words you should have said

never reach my ears

never reach my heart

I am left sitting

waiting

longing

to hear the words

lingering in your throat

the words that I read

were written

for someone

else

I was not meant

to read them

but I can’t help

but to hurt

myself

the words I wanted to hear

are never said

are never spoken

are never uttered

I am left sitting

waiting

longing

end of the breadcrumbs

I hear the other person

Drawing ever closer to me,

Footsteps I can hear and

A body outline I can see.

I stay as still as I can manage,

The idea of being found

Scares me beyond reason,

And I try not to make a sound.

I want to be alone in my quest.

I want to be the only one.

I want to be alone in my journey.

I have only begun.

breadcrumbs and footsteps

The sound of footsteps echoes

In my ears, in rhythm with my breaths,

My heart is racing, my mind is reeling

With thoughts of failure or death.

The darkness of the forest

Begins to over-power me,

I stop and turn my ears

To hear the voice that sings.

The sound is light and airy

Coming from far away,

I start walking again

Knowing I cannot stay.

Walking again, keeping

My sounds at a low

I hear another person

Making sounds I know.

The other person’s footsteps

Are nearing my own,

I stop making progress

Not wanting to be known.

tracking breadcrumbs

I attempt to stir up courage

By taking a deep breath

While looking, while thinking

Of the forest’s depths,

The song I heard before,

The singer I wish I knew.

How many others have been here?

Who else heard the muse?

Gathering my thoughts

I look down at my trail,

One step, and another

Praying that I do not fail.

following breadcrumbs

I stop dead in my tracks,

Silence so loud its deafening.

My ears strain to hear

Something, anything.

The drive to find that voice

Gives way to tears and fear,

My heart starts racing

As I try to get out of here.

I turn to see my path,

My breadcrumbs on the ground,

And quickly follow the way

Away from the sound.

As I near the edge of the forest

Memories of the music flood in,

The song that broke my heart

And came to a sudden end.

I start to wonder about the voice

And the singer behind,

Another beauty like that

I was sure I could not find.

Were they still there

Waiting for someone to come around?

Were they singing a song

Hoping to finally be found?

breadcrumbs

I am tossing breadcrumbs

Marking my path so I don’t get lost.

This forest is massively huge

Tree after tree, rock after rock.

Following that magical sound,

The only thing on my mind,

I cannot place the source

It is a one-of-a-kind.

I hear it above the birds in the trees

Watching me, singing their own melody.

I hear it above the river’s water

Filled with fish, rushing by next to me.

As I draw closer to the music,

That beautifully tragic song,

Is that a voice I hear?

The musician is singing along!

The deep, sultry voice

Takes me by surprise.

I can almost decipher the words

But the sound dies.

rings, babies and me

I have noticed recently that more and more people are getting married. Or having babies. And I think to myself….I am so glad I am not there yet.

I see people jump into marriage after a few short months of being engaged, only knowing the other person for about a year. I see people give into those chemical reactions they feel when the other person is in the room. And while I have no place to judge whether or not the relationship will last, I can’t help but be leery about the whole thing.
These people are so sure that the other person is their “soul mate,” the one they are “destined to be with,” a person they are meant to spend the rest of their lives with. If things work out perfectly and things just fall into place for them, then how can they not see that the universe wants them to be together? On the other hand, if they have to fight for it, then they know it is worth it because the things in life you have to fight for are worth more.
These people are willing to sign a document that binds them to another person with the intention of never parting, sharing everything, till death due they part.
That is a huge commitment. Standing up, normally, before friends and family and God and saying that you love this person and you want to spend the rest of your life with them exclusively, sharing everything, raising a family, growing old together. You cannot see your life without them in it every step of the way. Maybe I am naive but this should not be entered into lightly. Something that big should be experienced one time (unless unforeseen circumstances arise, such as death) and be taken seriously by both people.
I hear about pre-nuptial agreements. I cannot say I agree with such a thing. I love the idea that you are trying to make sure that the person you intend to marry is not after your money or assets of any sort, but in my book when you sign that marriage certificate you are sharing everything, including money. Now, if you have a million dollars and upon marrying another you deposit half of that into their bank account, I would tell you that you are crazy. I would also say that if your new spouse told you that you should deposit half of your money into their bank account, then they are delusional. No person who is in love with you would want you to outright give them half of your money. I should probably say that if the idea of a pre-nup came up when I was planning to get married, that I would refuse to sign it. You should not have to sign a piece of paper proving that you are not after the other person’s belongings, and if they love you they would not make you sign one. You need to be so sound in your feelings for the other person and their feelings for you that you know they would not take advantage of you and you are not willing to make them prove it.
I am so glad I am not even thinking of marriage yet. Not that the thought does not cross my mind, it does. But I know I am no where near ready to take that leap personally, and I know that my relationship with the person I would consider marrying is no where near ready for it either. Getting married is as big a decision, for me personally, as deciding to have sex with someone. Sharing something so intimate as sex is the same thing in my book as willing to spend your life with someone. Especially since the result of having sex, even once, could be a child.

I also see people having babies. And I thank God I am not one of them. Don’t get me wrong, I want children someday, but not right now. Not for a few years at least. Bringing a new life into the world is one of the greatest things we as humans can do. But, I see so many teenagers carrying a child in their body and the weight of the world on their shoulders. Parenthood is such a big step, and once again something that should not be taken lightly. Unfortunately, the advances in medicine allow people to have unprotected sex and then rely on a pill that is designed to prevent pregnancy. It does not always work. I have personally seen a couple struggle to have children for years, then are blessed with two babies, go back on the birth control pill and still get pregnant. It does not always work.
I know the body craves sex. I know it is difficult to say no to someone when your body is screaming yes.
Once again, people give into the chemical reactions they feel when someone enters the room.

I see all these people and I think to myself…I am so glad I am not there yet.

for the record:

I was not a fan of Michael Jackson.

I did not really know much about his music beyond the occasional reference in comedy skits and whatnot. I just recently saw the music video for Thriller for the first time. I am only 20 years old. He was in his prime, from what I can tell, when I was quite young. I did not know this man’s impact on the music industry.

However, I can appreciate what he did to music. His influence on music, music videos and dance is just astounding. Personally, I put him up with Elvis when it comes to influence. He impacted the world. That cannot be disputed.

As far as his child molestation accusations, I can say that I do not really have an opinion. I do not know whether or not to think he did beyond a shadow of a doubt molest young boys. I do not know his story. I do, however, believe he had issues. The idea of “growing up” in front of the camera and microphone and being shuffled from recording studio to performance stage to interviews…it makes me think that he did not really have a childhood. It almost seems that he grew up way too soon and was trying to capture that childhood he was robbed of. And can you really blame him? (As I type that, I figure some people would be screaming at me, firmly holding the idea that he can be blamed and did in fact rape those children.)

But, do you really know? Did you really know Michael Jackson? Do you have evidence to support that claim?

…we cannot judge someone we have not talked to one-on-one. (Paraphrased from Michael Jackson’s interview with Oprah.)

RIP Michael and Farrah

I woke this morning to the news of Michael Jackson’s death.

I freaked out. No way in hell this could be true. I saw friend’s Facebook status about Michael and Farrah and immediately my jaw dropped. I just heard about Farrah’s battle with cancer a few days ago, no way she could already be dead. I went to www.jimmyr.com and it was the first few stories on both Digg and Reddit. I clicked open a few and saw that indeed Michael Jackson was pronounced dead a little after 2pm Thursday 25 June 2009. I had to scroll down a little bit to get to the story about Farrah Fawcett. She unfortunately did not get as much coverage as Michael, though there is definitly more facts with her case than Michael’s. Cancer stole a wonderful woman from the world. Unknown causes took the King of Pop from the world as well.

The world is a little darker today.

My heart goes out to the families of both of these people. No words can comfort them at a time like this, but time will help.

24 June 2009

And I finally understand.

I have never been one for a large number of friends. I never wanted to have the most friends out of all of my friends. I never tried to make as many connections as possible in my life. Instead, I opted to make the connections I had already even better. I wanted the friendships I had already formed to be so strong nothing would break them. I knew disagreements would arise, I knew common ground and interests would only go so far, I knew all of it. But I didn’t care. I wanted the be friends with those people because they were good people. I could see the huge hearts they had, the beautiful souls, the minds that worked in such different ways. They were absolutely beautiful people. And I wanted to be close to them.
I did make a mistake. My error in judgement put the brakes on the friendships from the very beginning. I could not open up to them. I could not let them really see me, for who I am. I wanted to be the shoulder for them, but I never let them be the shoulder for me. I had other outlets. I did not need that from them. Instead, I wanted them to put forth an effort. I needed to see that they really cared for me, like I cared for them. I assume they saw this as my apathetic attitude and lack of concern. Nonetheless, they did talk to me about things. I heard stories about rape, betrayal, problems of the heart, and such. And in the midst of their stories, I heard them speak about other friends. They seemed to have such a close relationship from the outside, but I heard them say horrible things about the other. And I started to wonder if they were saying the same of me. Or worse.
I decided that I could not trust people.
I decided that I could find out information from other sources to confirm what I was told by someone.
I decided that I did not need to talk to anyone.
I decided that I could write my feelings out.
I decided that no one would really know me.
I decided that I did not need them.
I decided that I did not want them.

And now it all makes sense.

untitled

words fail at expressing
anything and everything
I am left sitting here
watching
waiting
wondering
and for a moment
I’m not scared
or worried at all
I know everything
will work out
in the end

but I can’t keep holding on
to a fleeting emotion
and I can’t keep wondering
if any of this is true

is it asking too much
to be a source of happiness
for you?
I want so badly to give back
that warm feeling,
I want you to ache for it
I want you to want me
my whole self, not just my body
but my mind, my heart, my thoughts
I want you to get something out of this

that insecurity I feel
is not at all about loyalty,
trust, jealousy or stability
it is all about you
and what you get from this
it is about not feeling
like I add anything to you
like I give anything to you
my only real fear
is that you will find happiness
with someone else

I admit it…but it is your fault.

Dr. Phil was on again today. It was all about these marriages that suck. One couple was this girl who admitted to being “…a bitch, angry and controlling…” but she said it was all her husband’s fault. All I could think was “What? How?”
If I have learned anything through the past semester of university is that you own your emotions and your actions. Though they may have been formed or executed in response to someone else, you are the only one who can control how you react to outside forces. If you want to stop being angry, controlling, worried, stressed, or whatever then stop! It is that easy. All you have to do is decide to not be like that anymore and start acting like you want to act.
I am in no way saying that deciding to be happy will instantly change your outlook on life. I am not that naïve. What I am saying is this: if you want to not be angry, then stop getting angry. You do not know if that person intentionally cut you off on the road, you do not know what kind of day that person behind the counter at McDonald’s is having, you do not know that the other girl was really looking at you because she hates your face, you do not know anything like that for sure. But, just for kicks, let’s say you do know. Getting angry about it does not change the fact that that girl does not like your face, it does not change the way the girl behind the counter treated you, it does not change the fact that the other driver cut you off. Anger changes nothing.
We have no way to control other people’s actions. And we cannot change the past.
Anger has no purpose.

News worth reading

Click this link. It is amazing news.