It’s just one of those days…
…and my last post wasn’t the best thing to leave up here. I’ve been going through some weird emotional fluxes. There is no telling which emotion will be the focus for my day. If I’m left alone for too long, I start to feel depressed-not sad, depressed-or angry. If I’m busy I begin to feel nothing. I am so focused on whatever I am doing to feel anything. I may get overwhelmed for a while and start to feel frustrated….but it’s a nice reprieve from what I feel when I have nothing to do.
I’m just so tired of feeling like this. I hate that I get so utterly depressed. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I wouldn’t describe myself as a depressed person, I never have, but I do get into these….valleys. I have the hills, too. High hills. I love that feeling. To feel like nothing can bring you down…ever.
I finally told my mother about my trip in July. She wasn’t too excited about it. In fact, she got mad at me.
“I used to think you were so smart. But some of the things you’ve been doing lately make me think differently….”
“I’ll be fine. I promise.”
“You say that.”
“I promise. I’ll be okay.”
So…she’s mad at me. I think she’s more scared than anything. To see her baby girl growing up…that’s got to be terrifying. I can’t imagine it. But she needs to understand that she didn’t raise an idiot. I am going to be fine. I will. I have to.
My grandmother is back at the house. She went straight from the ICU to the house. There was no room in the hospital for her. And they needed to move 7 people into the ICU from the ER, I believe. So, they sent her home. She gained 30 pounds in less than a week. She doesn’t even look the same. She just looks….miserable. She couldn’t even feed herself. Her hands were so shaky that she kept spilling the food or drink. Her arms are swollen from the crap the hospital pumped into her in massive amounts. She hasn’t been that big in years. It’s scary. 30 pounds in 6 days. It’s unhealthy.
So, I am going back to work. I am going to try to feel better. I am in one of those valleys today.
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