wtf?
This is the last time I’m bringing it up. This is the last time I’m talking about it. I won’t lie and say I won’t think about it again. God knows I’ll think about it. Daily.
I really didn’t know you. I knew the you that you wanted me to know. You flat out told me that too. I didn’t really know you.
If you can’t be honest with me, then don’t talk about it. I’d rather not hear lies.
If you’re going to stop here, great. If not, don’t feed me some bullsh*t trying to make me feel better. In the end, I’d rather hear the truth sooner than some lie that makes me feel good for a little bit only to have reality and honesty hit me like a brick wall.
I only keep asking questions trying to make some sense out of all this. I’m not sure what I can believe at this point. Some things just don’t pan out right…and I’m trying to make sense of it. I’m trying to understand, really I am. But it’s difficult when I can’t take your word when you tell me something.
I’m done arguing. I’m done acting. I’ll listen if you want to talk, but otherwise…I’m done. It’s up to you. If you want anything, you’ll have to come get it. I’m not going to chase you. I’m better than that.
I honestly cared for you. I was crazy about you. I loved you. We can just leave it at that if you want.
I’m okay with the idea of loving someone who does not exist. It took a while to get there, but I’m fine with it. I can go to the memories and be at peace, knowing what I felt was real. I don’t have to look at reality anymore.
I know you won’t tell me what to do when you’re gone. You shouldn’t tell me what to do. You’re selfish enough to not really worry about me. I’ll be fine, I’ll live.
But I will leave. You didn’t believe me, I assume. I don’t think you really wanted me to go…ever. I guess some of those conversations were lies also. Whatever. I said I’d leave. And I will. I would have gladly gone with you. Not for you, but with you. I never said I needed you to be there, I wanted you to be there. I wanted to be with you.
Saying you loved me…nothing else mattered. I could have died right then and I would have been fine. Correction: I would have be fabulous. Every time I thought of you, I couldn’t help but smile, giggle…the world was at peace.
I guess it didn’t make much of a difference though. Love can only do so much, I suppose. I guess it wasn’t enough….
…
okay.
…we had. as far as my apparently shrouded and imbecilic perceptions could have surmised- a fairly normal conversation. I didn’t want to talk about it, you didn’t want to talk about it, neither of us were going to talk about it.
… so we didn’t. And we talked about something else. And that was okay. In fact… it was great. I thought at least.
… I asked you, when i got to Missouri, if we were going to be okay.
You said. “Yeah. We’ll be okay.”
Pull that hour hand twenty-four ticks forward and suddenly… we’re here at this.
Now… I haven’t been there, in your brain, picking through the nerve endings and watching every move, obviously. Because as far as I remember, we haven’t talked since then, and we haven’t argued since then, and nothing has even HAPPENED since that finally simple… normal conversation.
… I’ve said, to you, I’m sorry. I’m never going to ask your forgiveness, I’ve never asked that of anyone in my entire life. I don’t think it’s a think that should be asked for. It assumes and suggests.
… which exactly the mistake that I ended up making last night. I had assumed, on the suggestion of that conversation, that maybe… just maybe this was anywhere near settling. That I could…
exist as anything other than shit to you. anymore…
I’ll return it to you. the title of this post-
wtf.
I’m sorry. I know this came out of nowhere for you…but it’s the last you’ll ever have to hear from me about it. That was all this way. The end of the arguing, the end of the fighting, the end of wondering and asking….
I don’t want it to be the end of talking. I want to talk. I’ve always enjoyed conversations with you. You know that. Last night was good. It was…as normal as we’ll ever be, I assume.
I am truly sorry for the sudden burst of emotion….I didn’t mean to spring this on you. You knew it was all there somewhere, this is just writing it down in one setting.
I would still like to talk to you….I’m here if you want to also…