I never feel pretty enough or smart enough or interesting enough or engaging enough for anyone. I always feel worse than second-best. I’ve written about it in blogs before, and I tried to find some of them, but I ran into other topics that sent me into a deeper funk than before.
I miss being in love. And a part of me was deluded enough to settle for what we are doing. Being friends that happen to enjoy physical acts with each other. I mean, what is a relationship if not that? Two close friends that are physically involved. I know there is a deeper connection or whatever to it, but essentially that is what I want out of a relationship. I want to be with my best friend again. (I do not want a relationship with you. I hope we still have that clear. I do enjoy spending time with you and we have fun in the bedroom, but I won’t get involved with you beyond that emotionally.) Good God, I miss being in love. I miss having someone at home and waking up next to them.
But today wasn’t exactly about that. I just don’t feel like I’m enough. For anyone. I’ve had this conversation with Caleb (who did not help when he assured me that there would always be someone who was more than me in whatever category I was putting myself) and with Brendan (who completely did not get what I was saying) and various other people. I can’t even keep a fuck buddy happy with my looks or my conversation or whatever. I feel like a piece of ass most of the time. Richard was texting me and Billy was trying to talk on Facebook and Chase kept talking about sex. It feels like I’m who they turn to when they are horny and want nothing else than my body.
But I’m never the first choice. I never turn heads in the mall, I never get random compliments like my friends, I hardly ever have guys offer to buy me drinks, I never have guys staring at me when I walk by.
Today, I felt extremely unattractive and uninteresting and stupid. And there is nothing I can do about it.
The conversation we had about cheating partners just solidified every insecurity. I was never enough for Caleb. He never left Jessica, she left him and I was dumb enough to be there the next month and spend a week with him. I tolerated his emotional detachment to me and was okay with his constant attachment to another girl, because I was dumb enough to believe him when he said she meant nothing to him. I felt even more stupid when, after we broke up, he was writing love letters to her saying that he never felt so strongly for another person and how special she was.
I never feel like enough because I’ve never been enough.
