So, I’ve been pretty busy lately. I’ve needed to write, but I haven’t really had the desire or the time. I’ve started to lose my way…
Thoughts have been crossing my mind recently that are almost un-nerving. The more I am left to myself, the less I feel like I need people. I’m content being alone. I have learned to not thrive on interactions with other people. My thoughts and writings have been my only constant companion and I like it like that. Nevertheless, I am forced to interact with other people for extended periods of time in order to get tasks accomplished. Exhibit A: my statistics project which is a partner project. Exhibit B: lab time for zoology. Exhibit C: walking in the door at home. I’ve had constant contact with other people and have had to sacrifice my personal time to help others pass class.
And I finally got to think the other night. And I realised: I feel more alone when I am around people. I feel the need to be around more and more people after having spent an hour talking with someone else. I imagine myself looking around, searching for someone, finding them and just hugging. I imagine just sitting next to someone else and being completely quiet, while saying so much.
It’s positive feedback. I don’t mean it is a good thing, I mean it’s a situation where exposure to something makes you crave it and there is no platuea.
I mentioned to a friend today that I am getting close to one of those days where I just want to cry. Not from hormones, but from the constant exposure to people. I’m pretty confident that she didn’t understand what I was meaning, and I guess that is okay. I didn’t really expect her to get it.
I’ve figured out why I like to be alone.
I’ve figured out why I am the way I am.
I’ve figured out… me.

That said, I have a project due and I need to work on it. Alone.

nothing comes to mind

nothing screams to be written

nothing feels like it is building

up

trying

to get out

trying

to be released

i sit in front of paper and a pen

wanting so bad to put down thoughts

feelings

words that mean something

to someone

anyone

you even

I know it doesn’t matter

there is no point

everything needing to be voiced

has been

written at one point

I’m not sure if that is even a word…but I’m using it anyway. =)

Uni: I am currently working on my second laboratory report. I am having trouble changing the way my mind thinks about these things. It’s completely different from what I am used to…more or less. The best way I can describe it is like when you go to a new town. You can look at the map hundreds of times, you know how the roads work and what the symbols mean, but actually putting it into practice and driving somewhere is more difficult because you aren’t used to it. Kind of like switching the driver’s side in a car. Everything is the same, but your muscle memory is not geared for it. So, I’m working on it. I have been sitting in the same spot since 9:30am and it’s now noon. I am taking a well deserved break. And maybe a cupcake.
Other classes are going okay. I am passing zoology labs fairly well. Nothing below 60%. Earth Science and GIS is going to kick my butt though. I don’t get the reason behind making maps when I am going to be sitting in a lab anyway. Statistics is fine, just a little stressful from the essay that is due soon.
Overall, not that bad. Just a little stress.

Work: Nothing can go here. I will not be getting a job until after I come back from Japan.

Japan: I’m so excited! We are leaving probably early December instead of late November so Caleb can work some extra hours or something. There was an advertisement on the tv the other day when he said we should start looking at tickets. Two for the price of one! It only works for carry-on baggage, but we won’t need anything else anyway. A former co-worker/friend of Caleb is going to let us leave the majority of our stuff at his place. Thank God. I don’t think we have enough stuff to pack all my things anyway. :p So, we leave in about 6 weeks or so.

Family/Friends: My sister had her baby, James Everett, and he is the cutest thing. He’s about six weeks old and already turning over on his own and getting teeth. Super Baby! My parents are over the moon with the new grandbaby, as expected. I talked to Martin a while ago and he is doing just fine over in Oklahoma. I miss that boy though. I’ve tried to call him a few times, but the connection won’t hold. It’s the weirdest thing. Misty has some extra stress unfortunately, with the job and school. It will pass though. She’s strong. I’ve been keeping in touch with Nicole through e-mails. I can’t believe we ever drifted apart, it just doesn’t seem like it’s been that long since we’ve talked. We go way back and I’m pretty sure that no matter what happens, she and I will be able to pick up the phone and it’s like no time had ever passed.

Extra: I turned 21 a couple weeks back. And nothing has changed. If I was still back in the States, I’m sure it would be different. But since I am here and I have been able to buy my own alcohol since I landed, it doesn’t feel like anything has changed. I still feel like I am 19. I’m pretty sure I’ll always do that. I talked to my sister, she is 23, and she does the same thing. For her, we will always be around 14 and 16.
For my birthday, I woke up that morning and went to the beach. It was such a nice day. I’ve never been able to swim or lay out in late September, so that was pretty cool. I came back to the unit and played around on the internet till Caleb got off work. We went to get some groceries (the meat auction is only on Saturdays, so we needed to get food) and on the way back stopped at Nando’s. It’s this awesome chicken place, we even got free marinade. On the way back home, we stopped in at Cellarbrations and got some wine and wine coolers. I didn’t go out that evening, haha. Sunday, we just goofed off. We were going to go to Currumbin Wildlife Sanctuary but the bus ride didn’t sound all that appealing, so we just got ice cream and talked. I was almost going to buy a dress, but nothing screamed at me. (shrug) If the clothes don’t talk to me, then I don’t want to buy them. We went back home and I started my week-long vacation from uni.

I finally made the cupcakes my mom sent me. I was hoping to make the cake, but I had muffin mix as well and I didn’t want to buy two kitchen things when we are going to be out of the country for over a month. So, cupcakes it was. They are a big hit here. I might have to ask for me to be sent over.

I guess I am done rambling for now. I will probably be on later with heaps of writings. I am so behind.
Off to work on my lab report again…

I want you to sit back and think. Think about who you are. Not your name, not what you do for a living, but who you really are. I want you to fully realize who you are, soak it in. Think about all your good qualities, think about all the bad ones. I want you to realize that you are in control of what you do. You built your life, you choose your friends, your lovers, your goals, your reactions. You are the reason you are exactly where you are. You are the reason you are exactly who you are.
So, who are you?
Let it soak in and become as natural to you as your name. Think about who you are.

Now, let that person go. Let go of everything tied to that person. Let go of the emotional baggage, the worries, the fears. Let go of the consequences of being who you are.
Know who you are. Know who you can be.

Things are changing. I have come to understand things and feel things that a few months ago would have never thought possible. This past year has been a hell of a trip. I have done things, said things, felt things, been things that I wanted and some that I didn’t want.
I sat back today and realized exactly what that means.

A deep breath released and another taken
Hoping things would turn out alright,
She opened the door to her new guests.

The visitors cautiously walked in and looked
All around them were the cliched objects:
Monitors, graphs, pictures and test tubes.

She was still beaming with pride and joy
Believing her life’s work was completed.
They were there, they were here.

“So, what do you think? Are you surprised?”
She asked as she fumbled around to get drinks,
“Is it just what you expected? Or better?”

The guests looked at each other all thinking the same,
Questioning why they agreed to visit her at all.
“What are you wanting from us?” they asked.

“Well now, don’t you think that is a silly question?
I am not the visitor here, am I?” She grinned.

I’ve had a pretty shitty couple of days. I’ve been getting sick and my mind really is not where it should be. I realised that today when I was walking to class. In the wrong building. I did the same thing the day before for the exact same class. I got all the way to the room and remembered that lectures aren’t held in there. So, I had to walk all the way to the other side of the campus to the right building and the right room for that class. I made the same mistake today. I got off the bus at the wrong stop and had to walk for about 10 minutes to get to the correct building.

I don’t know where my mind is. I can’t concentrate in class. I zone out and think about something that is not relevant to the class for a while and then as the lecturer moves, I get stirred out of it and forced back to reality. I missed two whole slides today in zoology because of it. I can’t even tell you what I was thinking about, because I don’t remember it.

Something is wrong with me. And I don’t know what it is.

I did some similar stuff like this back in university in Missouri. I was putting on make up or something in the bathroom when the thought of how much I love Colgate toothpaste crosses my mind. It didn’t strike me as odd until I got back to my room and saw that I don’t even use Colgate.

I think I am missing something or getting too much of something else.

I’ve realised that this affects my relations with other people too. At first I thought it was stress, but now I’m not so sure. I was working on a report last Monday when I kept getting texts from someone. I was getting short with my responses and I could feel myself resenting the people at the table who were talking loudly and moving my stuff. I don’t normally care. They weren’t talking any louder than usual and my things weren’t really moved much and I was responding to all the texts like I usually do, but something was different and I wasn’t myself.

I have cut before. And that was never in an attempt to end my life. It was more of a release. I felt something other than emotional pain, and it was good. I have stopped, but I don’t know if that is permanent. I see opportunities and I contemplate taking them. I don’t expect it to help my current situation, but it’s a way to distract myself while I figure other things out. And it was probably not the best idea to put that up here. But no one really reads this anyone, so I don’t care at this point.

I don’t want to go to a shrink who will try to get me to tell them deep, dark secrets or search my past (which is never reliable when told by anyone) for answers to why I am “acting out of character” because I’ve done all that. I went to therapy, unpaid and provided by the university, my last semester because I was thinking about suicide. I took myself there without any one’s contribution and within a week, I was back to “normal” me. Nothing was revelational there, nothing was figured out. I just stopped thinking about it. (I should add that I never wanted to commit suicide. I just thought about what it would be like and how to do it. I never took any steps to follow through with it. I have never been suicidal.)

I don’t know what to do though. I think I might start searching the web for answers. You would be hard-pressed to find something in a book that is not on the internet. So, I am going to do a little soul searching or something, I guess.

But right now, I have a statistics test.

he got you good
didn’t he?
all that sweet talk
all those roses
all that romance

he tricked you
into believing
things would always
be like that
you would always
feel that
special

he got you good
didn’t he?

I saw you sitting there
Your blue dress complimenting the grass
Your long hair blown by the wind
I saw you sitting there
Passing the time with a coffee
Passing the time by watching others
I saw you sitting there
All alone, left to your thoughts
All alone, left by your friends
I saw you sitting there
I saw your tear fall
I saw your hand shake
I saw you sitting there…
And I kept walking

My dearest love,
You know my heart
and you know my mind.
Our wants and needs
of life are intertwined.
Your blue eyes pierced me
when we last spoke…
There is no excuse for me
I am the reason we broke.
I am at a loss for words,
I’ve said everything I can.
For the first time in my life
I have no plan.
The ball is in your court
I am taking myself out.
You are okay without me,
Of that I have no doubt.
Yours always…