23092011:: classroom thoughts

As I sit in physical chemistry, I think about others things…

A couple days ago, Caleb found the other blog. Obviously, he was concerned about the other people’s secrets and feelings and such, so he commented. Then he called when I was in class. I texted him and got no response. I figured we were done talking about it.  I was wrong. He called again that night from some 800 number and I answered assuming it was a credit card collection company looking for Alicia again. And again, I was wrong. It was a short conversation where he asked if he could call again later that night. I agreed because I was a bit intoxicated and planned on being asleep at that time. He did call, but I was asleep and he hasn’t contacted me since.

///its been a few days since I’ve had the ability to sit and write.

And now I can’t write about what I want because someone will find it and I’ll have to be confrontational.
…I had a flashback to Australia last night. Markos. You remember living with him Caleb? Yeah, that’s about where I am again. Only this time its my apartment.

…I need to stop. Today is about patience, not justice, not manifestation. Patience.

understanding and wind

It’s weird and somehow fitting that I thought about you today. I even talked about it with a friend who has never met you.

I miss being in a relationship. I think I’m about ready for it emotionally now, and the current situation is not working out, so I almost want one now. But then I think about it and how it wouldn’t work out in the long run (most likely at least) since I plan on moving still.

And I thought about Caleb a bit. Wondered how he was doing, what he was doing, ect. I almost picked up the phone to text him…and I thought about how shitty it was/is between us. Would I really want to go back to that? Would I really be able to blame him for ruining it again when it breaks apart? Would I really be able to be just friends with him? Would I be able to handle him talking about that girl? No. Never.
So I put the phone down.

 

…I’m actually really proud of myself for this. I wasn’t in this much control of myself a month ago.

But, along the same lines, I can’t do this with Andrew. (Side note: if you are reading this post, please stop now. Please. I want to keep things the way they are now.) I still get kind of jealous when I see him text another girl. It even ruins my mood for the day. And I know he and I wouldn’t work out. I know this. He has too many qualities that remind me of Caleb. We don’t have enough in common to work out. But, I want a relationship. And he’s convenient.

 

…./end random.

705

I have no idea where to even start thinking about what to write. So much has happened…or so it seems. The past few days feel like they weren’t real, kind of dream like. And then I had some really bizarre dreams to boot. I guess I’ll start where I think I left off…

I work too much. I say that a lot, but it’s true. Maybe if I keep saying it to myself and anyone who listens, I’ll start to realize that I don’t have to do it. My last paycheck had about 24 hours of overtime on it. And I only got $50 extra because of taxes. I was a bit pissed off. This next pay check will have five days of overtime, somewhere around 40 extra hours. That’s an extra week. I better get more than just $50 more.
Every time we have the option, I take it. I want the money. I don’t enjoy working every day or even the sixteen hour days I do, despite what people think. I take the extra hours so I don’t have to worry about money later this year. I’m saving around half of my pay check every pay period. The money is taken out of the bank and put in an account that I only have access to on the weekdays from 8am to 3pm. I sleep at that time. So it works. I stay up late or get up early one day out of the two weeks and drive to another town to deposit the money. I like it that way. And I have extra money withheld by the government every pay check so when I file my taxes next year, I will get back a bigger refund. In fact, I get just about everything I pay in back. My parents still claim me as a dependent and I don’t have any dependents of my own and I’m still in school. It works.

I had a bad day yesterday or the day before. My days are foggy since I work nights. Anyway, the night before at work was pretty bad. I got audited on pericare, which means this guy came in to work at 4am to watch me clean someone’s genitals. Not my idea of fun. I freak out pretty much when someone watches me do something. If I’m in a group, no big. If I’m alone, huge deal. I think that’s why I never did like the idea of solos when I was in band. I can play the material if it’s me and someone else, but once I know people are listening to just me… I freak out. So, needless to say, I failed the audit. I have two more tries or something will happen. Maybe I’ll get fired. They can’t really afford that though. I’m working every chance I get to cover for the fact that we are super short handed. Anyway, I wasn’t too thrilled after I got off work and I went to bed in a bad mood. My phone kept waking me up so I didn’t get as much rest as I should have. I even had it on quiet. I didn’t get up to eat like I normally do so when I did finally crawl out of bed, I was pissed off and hungry and irritable. Everything pissed me off. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I wanted to crawl in a hole and be alone. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I got into an argument with Caleb. Misty avoided me. Both pissed me off more than they would normally. And to top things off, I had to go back to work that night.
Thank God I had last night off. I got up and ate with my parents, played on the internet for a bit, played outside with my cousins, got shakes and watched a movie. It almost made it okay that as soon as I got off work that morning I had to drive to another town for my retest for my certification. I got off work at 720am and was supposed to start testing at 905am. All I had to do were the skills, so I was expecting to be done and back on the road by 930am. The paper said to be there about 30 minutes before testing so paperwork could be completed. The person who gave the test didn’t arrive until 905am. We didn’t start testing till almost 930am. I had to stay two hours. I left as soon as possible and sped as much as I could and crashed as soon as I walked in the door. I got maybe 6 hours of sleep. My stomach woke me up and I ate some of the pizza my mum was awesome enough to buy. My night wasn’t so horrible. I slept after the movie for almost 12 hours.

I did go to Joplin this past weekend. I left after work Sunday morning and got up there some where around 10am. I crawled into bed with Caleb and tried to get some sleep. It was good to wake him up like that. I think I’ll try to do that more often. He really is good to me. Even after the argument we had the night before, he gave me a hug and told me he was glad to see me. We spent the majority of the morning and afternoon just snuggling and I got an hour or so of sleep.
That evening, we stayed at a hotel. There was a bit of an unpleasant spell, but nothing major. I’m glad I went up to visit. We slept in till about 11am on Monday morning, got lunch with Misty at Carino’s, went back to the hotel room and all three of us just sat and talked. At one point, Ryan came over to borrow Caleb’s laptop so he and his girl could play some game or something. I decided I needed some more sleep and somewhere in there, Misty got a call from Katie and left to meet up with Barry again and Caleb fell asleep with me. We got up around 6pm to meet up with Misty and Barry and go to the Falls for…I don’t know, some reason. I was feeling pretty sick. I think the combination of no real food and heat did me in. So, Caleb and I left again to get food and sleep. I felt so much better after that. We talked some more and ended up going back to sleep around midnight. Unfortunately, he had to be at work on Tuesday at 9am and I had some work crap to get back for by 1pm, so we parted ways that morning. Misty stayed in Joplin for a couple more hours to watch a movie with Barry. We never really got to talk about her trip.

I really can’t wait to be out of this place. I mean, I love my friends and family to pieces. I really do. But I hate where I am. I can’t wait to move so I can start and finish uni and then move out of the country. Again, I love my friends and family, I just hate it here.

I had this list of topics that I wanted to write about. I got really bored one night at work and just wrote down all the things I wanted to write about because they were bothering me. That was about two weeks ago. I think I touched on some of them in my last post (the one where I really wrote) so I don’t know what all to really try to cover in this one. I feel the need to write though. About something…anything…

I’ve decided to give myself a break from saving money for the year. I need a social life, and to do that I’m going to need money. So, instead of ten thousand dollars I am cutting it back to at least five thousand dollars. I know I’m not going to be able to work the amount of hours that I need/want to save that much, and with uni coming back into play and the possibility of paying rent to live away from my parents, I am going to be scrapping by.
I know that I don’t need to save the money, but I want to. And it’s still not the main priority in my life. I’ve got extra laying around and I’ll use it when I need to (for myself or for my friends). I splurged a bit on Saturday. I sent a good friend to another town to get away from drama and then took myself and another friend out to Fayetteville for a hookah. I needed a night out and even though I have two others planned, I needed to get out of town. The stress from work and family was too much and I needed to de-stress. (I feel like I am just repeating myself, but at this point I do not care.)

As far as uni plans go for next semester, I am still unsure. I was talking to my brother-in-law about going to a different university all together and I really think I want to. The only thing is, I won’t be able to work nearly enough, if any at all, to save money. I need to get a good education though, and the uni here in town is just not good enough for chemistry degrees. And I won’t be considered for as many scholarships since they do not have a marching band. If I go to the other uni in Fayetteville, I can do colorguard again and get money that way. And get the chance of being on television for football games, haha. I guess more news on that later…

I’ve been thinking about getting old… I don’t want to get old. I’ve always said that I would never be “old” and now I am pretty sure that I never will. I have been thinking about the residents I take care of and I see the ones who have Alzheimer’s Disease and dementia and if I ever get to that point, I want someone to put me down so I don’t have to burden those I love. I don’t care how that sounds, I’ve seen what that disease can do and it’s not something that I would wish on my worst enemy.

I’ve also been thinking about dating again. I’ve never really dated around, hell I’ve never really dated period. It was like pulling teeth to get my previous boyfriends to do something outside of the room. So, I’m going to allow myself to date around. Misty and I talked about that today, and I don’t know if I’ll really be able to do it. I get a little possessive when it comes to potential suitors. I know that I would want to date around, but I know a part of me will not like knowing that those guys would be dating around as well. It’s a little retarded and I know I will have to work on it before dating becomes even close to happening. I want the physical part back pretty badly though. I love kissing… I might call some guys and see what happens.

This summer is going to be busy for me. I was talking to Brendan over the hookah and plans are in the works for a trip to Seattle this July. My mum and I were talking about going to New York in May, but other plans have come up where surgery is needed and another friend is coming up and I haven’t seen her in over a year. So, I’m gonna probably going to Seattle for a week. I’m a bit excited at the idea of going to another unknown place.

I’ve run out of patience. And a television show is on that I want to see. And I have work in a couple hours.

I’m having a better day. At least, better than the day I had yesterday. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, which is actually a good thing this time.

:: I have a goal. Financial goals are always an easy thing for me to achieve, so this time I made it intentionally difficult. Ten thousand dollars. I will have ten thousand dollars excess in my bank account by the end of the year. For this to be a reality, I will have to put $450 from each pay check (every two weeks) into an account that I cannot touch. I’m pretty confident that this goal will get in the way of my intended trip to New York in May. I might be able to do it next year on Spring Break or something.

:: I will be able to start classes in the summer. I talked to the university admissions and they received the transcript from Missouri Southern and the one from Griffith University is on its way. I had to call them and pay for it with a credit card. Ten bucks to have them print and mail it, which really isn’t that bad. So, I wait for that to come in and then I enrol in classes. With any luck, I’ll be done in a year and a half, maybe the summer after. Then I’m gone again.

:: I hope to get a job offer from the University I attended. I’ll be able to do research and such. Or maybe I could work for the Aussie government. That would be kind of interesting.

:: I’ve been thinking about Caleb lately. A part of me misses him so much (as evident from a previous post), but another part of me is kind of…relieved. I don’t have nearly as much drama in my life, and I’ve realized I’ve grown since we’ve stopped talking. I knew before I ever met him that I have an addicting personality. Now, that is not me trying to say that people find me addicting or anything, it’s actually kind of the opposite. Once I find something that I enjoy, I immerse myself in it. When The Phantom of the Opera came out on DVD, I watched it 7 times in two days. I listened to the soundtrack exclusively for months. When I started watching Lost, I abandoned homework to finish the season. When I discovered kissing…things went downhill. I lost myself in a relationship because I enjoyed it too much. I’m happy to have myself back. And I am not in any hurry to get back into one. I’m pretty confident that I won’t be intimate with another guy again, physically or emotionally. I know how easily I can lose myself and I don’t want that to happen again. I have myself back and I’m not going to risk losing me again.