Tag Archive: change
I want you to sit back and think. Think about who you are. Not your name, not what you do for a living, but who you really are. I want you to fully realize who you are, soak it in. Think about all your good qualities, think about all the bad ones. I want you to realize that you are in control of what you do. You built your life, you choose your friends, your lovers, your goals, your reactions. You are the reason you are exactly where you are. You are the reason you are exactly who you are.
Now, let that person go. Let go of everything tied to that person. Let go of the emotional baggage, the worries, the fears. Let go of the consequences of being who you are.
Things are changing. I have come to understand things and feel things that a few months ago would have never thought possible. This past year has been a hell of a trip. I have done things, said things, felt things, been things that I wanted and some that I didn’t want.
You walk out the door
Leaving me to pick up the pieces
How can I be sure
That I will get over the feelings?
The tears keep coming
Pouring out of my eyes, down my face
Can’t I find something?
Anything to fill the empty space?
Now time creeps along
Filled with the memories that we shared.
But now they are gone,
At least we will both know that we cared.
If our paths part ways,
I’ll try to live my life on my own
Reliving the days,
Remembering how much I have grown.
stop looking back there
it only brings pain and tears
you left it for a reason
you wanted something better
you can never go back
the thought of what used to be
cannot cross your mind too often
you know what happened
you know what was said
you know what changed
you know why you left
you know you can never go back
looking back makes you weak
thinking of what happened
brings pain and tears
I was sitting in church today… and I really thought about it. My walk with God has ended. I did this to myself. This fear of things not working out is completely my fault. I haven’t handed it over to God yet.
I used to be so on fire for God. I was excited about going to church and hearing the Word and feeling his presence. I didn’t get that a whole lot from the church I grew up in and attended regularly. Unfortunately I had to wait for the summer and a trip the youth group would take to feel God’s spirit move. I would feel it and hold onto it for dear life. I never wanted to leave that place in Oklahoma’s woods. The music was beautiful and I could just worship till I couldn’t breathe. The speakers were usually pretty good. I cannot recall a one of them who did not speak to my heart. My youth group attended this gathering every year. It was relatively cheap for the experience, so I was able to go every single time. And looking back I was completely wrapped up in Him. I saw cute boys and knew my body wanted to get close to them. But then I would see them act a certain way or say certain things and I knew they weren’t where I was in relation to God. So I overlooked them. I didn’t give them a second thought. If it wasn’t Christian music, I didn’t listen to it. I remember getting into arguments with my sister on our way to cheerleading practice over the music. I finally resolved to taking my CD player with Grits and jamming out to it in my own little world. I was so bothered by the fact that no one seemed to care about the same stuff I did. (I even remember getting into a fight with Amber and receding to my room and the first thing I did was pray that God would speak to her. She got saved shortly after that.) I would say a silent prayer every time I saw an ambulance go past me, or see a story on the news about a murder or shooting or rape. I was so close to God. I turned to Him first for everything.
…and then I changed. I became exactly what I didn’t like, what I didn’t want to be, what I distanced myself from. I wanted to fit in with my friends. I started cussing and taking my anger out on anyone who was near. In junior high I think is when I first realized that people didn’t think like I did. It wasn’t just those who I talked to regularly, it was everyone. And I felt like such an outcast when I would leave a conversation when dirty jokes came up, or someone started talking about someone else in a demeaning manner. I saw the world clearly for the first time. And I wanted to be a part of it. I was tired of fighting my body and my mind. And I gave up. I stopped taking my Bible with me when I left my room, I stopped leaving bad conversations, I stopped praying. I turned from God and only returned when I needed something to be done, when I needed comfort because someone passed away, when I wanted to get somewhere.
I played church really well. All the years of being close to God paid off in that respect. I knew the “perfect Church” answers to questions. I knew when to speak and when to pray there. I knew who to talk to, how to say things, what to look like. I played the part perfectly. It’s sick. No one guessed differently than what they had always seen of me. No one would have thought that I didn’t like going to church, that I fought with friends at school over nothing, that I cursed, that I was angry. I started acting and I was so good at it too. It’s a wonder I didn’t join the drama club.
So, I say all that to say this. I am tired of trying to do things on my own. I am tired of only turning to God when something bad happens. I am tired of not being who I want to be. I am tired of being scared my plan won’t work. I am tired of acting. I am tired of trying to live my life by the world’s rules. I am tired of not trusting the Word. I am tired.
