i love my life right now…

I smoked a hookah last night while staring up at the stars. I haven’t seen so many in quite some time. And there were shooting stars too. Some really good ones. =)

Unfortunately, Misty had a bit of a bad day (more to be elaborated later) and was upset yesterday. However, she came up here and we just goofed off for a few hours. Got some food, flirted with the waiter, went shopping, talked about anything and everything, tried on prom dresses for the hell of it, saw an awesome movie and generally had a really flippin’ good day. She didn’t get to join in on the hookah ‘cause she’s got class at 8am every weekday. But it was good to see her.

I’m going back to Joplin soon. I’ve recently re-connected with a former co-worker and I miss her. And I missed her birthday last week, so I wanna make it up to her. And I would kind of like to see that guy again. We’ve been texting a little bit but nothing is like sitting down and having a real conversation over coffee. I doubt I’ll stay the night though. My previous host has turned out to be a bit of a two-faced jerk so I don’t think I’ll even mention it to him that I’ll be up there. And I can’t stay with the other guy friend because he’ll want sex (and contrary to popular belief, I am not a slut) and I don’t think I could do that. And I my girl friend still lives with her parents and they don’t know me. So, it’s either get a hotel room or just spend one day up there. And I need to save my money.

But today, I am going back to my hometown. I don’t have any obligations here at the moment, so I am going to spend some time with my family. And a few select friends. =)

guess where I am now…

I am sitting at the computer desk in my parents’ house in Arkansas. Again.
…and I absolutely hate it.

I had to leave Australia for reasons beyond my control. No, they did not have anything to do with the fact that the relationship I was in when I arrived down under went sour very quickly, though some people will not believe me when I say that. The fact of the matter is: university tuition became a burden for my parents, so much so I could not ask them to go into more debt for me. When I first got to Australia, the exchange rate was around $0.65 American for $1.00 Australian. When I was looking at the exchange rate this past month it was $0.97 American for $1.00 Australian. One thousand dollars was really one thousand dollars again. Had the Australian dollar not gained so much strength (or the American dollar loose so much) I would have stayed in Queensland and would be enrolled in classes again for Semester 1. Alas, I am not.
Most people look at me and ask why I didn’t get a job to help pay for school. I tried. Ninety percent of job openings were for business hours only, not a schedule that my classes would allow. The other ten percent of job openings were for positions that I was not qualified for. So, finding a job that I could actually keep was more difficult than anyone expected.

There is more to the story than that, as one would imagine, but I am leaving it there for now. I have too much on my mind, like…

…getting enrolled in university over here. I will return to Australia (though some people don’t believe me when I say that either) with a degree. Or a marriage certificate. I will find the cheapest, quickest route to permanent residency in Australia as soon as possible. I will have to finish my degree in the States though, much to my dismay. I was really counting on a diploma from Oz with certified qualifications and such in order to almost guarantee a job in the country. Contrary to my family’s ideas, a degree from the States does not always mean you are considered better educated. Especially when that degree is from a small town in a small state that no one in Australia knows of. Other than Bill Clinton’s homestate.

…getting a job. I need to get some money soon. My parents are not doing as well financially as most people seem to think, and I hate asking for more money to go see friends they don’t know. Or paying for my food. Or my entertainment. I hate asking them for money anymore. I’m old enough to support myself, and as soon as I get a job, I am helping with bills. I’ve got to get two jobs at least, in order to save up money to backpack through Europe before I return to Australia. And the visa I will need to get a job there. And the plane tickets. And my trip to New York. I’ve got to get a job as soon as possible.

…my sister. I received a call this morning from my sister who lives about 5 hours away. There’s evidence of someone trying to break in to her house and she doesn’t want to be alone this weekend while her husband takes care of a sick friend. I was asked to stay with her. Anyone who knows my family knows that I do not get along with my sister. We can’t be in the same room, or house for that matter, without arguing over anything and everything. She’s very firm in her/her husband’s beliefs and I have my own way of thinking. We can’t even watch a movie without arguing over the plot or what we would have done in that position. And not to mention I would have to have fuel to get to her place and back. And if you have been reading this, you know I have no job right now and money is tight. She offered to fill my tank when I got down there, but I can’t travel very far on my small fuel tank. I feel horrible for leaving her alone, but I feel horrible for asking my parents to pay for my way down there. I’m stuck.

…my friend. I got word today that my friend who lives two hours away is in a very stressful and saddening situation. I won’t go into details here, but if you believe in God, please say a prayer for him and his family. I’m going to visit him, as planned, for New Years and hope to take his mind off the recent events.

…Australia. I keep coming back to Australia. I miss that place. I miss my friends, the beach, the sun, the atmosphere, the smell of the grass, ect. I hate thinking of it, but it keeps me going through the day.

So, now that I have actually written something here, I am going to bed. It’s late and I’m supposed to be tired. Maybe the wine will kick in soon.

Take care all.
~Kristin Nichole

random thoughts of the day

First off, I love Facebook. I really do. It’s a wonderful thing and it allows me to keep up with family and friends on the other side of the world without having to write a long letter and wait for a reply that may not come because they are busy. It’s great. I can share heaps of pictures and videos and short updates about what’s going on.
But have we really got to this point? I cannot find a penpal anywhere that wants to write letters. I tried to find one back in the States, but he found me on Facebook and that whole idea of writing letters went down the drain.
Have we become so mainstream and technologically based that we cannot take the time to sit down and write a letter to someone, put a stamp or two on it and drop it in the mail? Do we even know what a letter is anymore?
I love writing letters.
I love getting letters.
Seeing someone’s handwriting, even without knowing them, is so personal. E-mails have taken over, but Facebook has taken over e-mails. Why e-mail someone when you can go to their profile and write on their wall?
Where’s the fun in that?
Where’s the joy in that?
Am I asking too much?
All I want is a pen pal…

I have completed a full week of Semester 2. Week 2 is almost half way done. I still have yet to hear a final decision about my credit transfer. I’m getting anxious about it. I don’t want to sit in another chemistry class hearing the same stuff I’ve heard since high school. It’s retarded to ask me to do that. It’s retarded that this has taken so long to get processed. What do you mean you can’t accept this? It’s faxed directly from the other university. Why would they put ‘unofficial’ on it? Bloody loons.

I think a trip back to the States would be a good thing for me. I really do. It might make this whole thing seem more grounded. But maybe not. I really miss some of those people. And I’d like to meet a few who have joined the family. I have yet to hold Leah Faith and she already has teeth coming in. James Everett will be here in less than a month and I won’t be there for that. Hannah Grace is speaking in full sentences now and I haven’t heard one yet. Caleb James is off playing ball with a team that kills on the field and I haven’t seen one of his games. Trevor Branch is on Facebook now and I haven’t heard from him in weeks.
…Mom is paying heaps of money to send me stuff and send me to uni and I can’t give her a hug to thank her.
…Dad is off working his butt off doing overtime and I haven’t sat outside with him watching the fire and shooting the breeze.
…Amber and Robert are living in a new house and I haven’t seen it yet.
…Misty is changing jobs.
…Martin is moving out.
…Sarah is having a baby.
…Nicole is doing mission work and an internship.
…Marissa is working like always.

I think I need a trip back home.

aroma’s coffee company

The smell of coffee always takes me back
I can see the faces of friends before me
Spending afternoons, evenings, weekends
Pouring over school work and life’s difficulties

I remember their laughs, every one of them,
We spent hours just sitting, talking
It was never a long journey to the shop
We opted to just take our time by walking

It was a quiet little town, that place.
Not many people came to stay,
There were bigger and better things
Out there in the world, some day.

But the smell of coffee takes me back
Even though I know I need to unpack…

24 June 2009

And I finally understand.

I have never been one for a large number of friends. I never wanted to have the most friends out of all of my friends. I never tried to make as many connections as possible in my life. Instead, I opted to make the connections I had already even better. I wanted the friendships I had already formed to be so strong nothing would break them. I knew disagreements would arise, I knew common ground and interests would only go so far, I knew all of it. But I didn’t care. I wanted the be friends with those people because they were good people. I could see the huge hearts they had, the beautiful souls, the minds that worked in such different ways. They were absolutely beautiful people. And I wanted to be close to them.
I did make a mistake. My error in judgement put the brakes on the friendships from the very beginning. I could not open up to them. I could not let them really see me, for who I am. I wanted to be the shoulder for them, but I never let them be the shoulder for me. I had other outlets. I did not need that from them. Instead, I wanted them to put forth an effort. I needed to see that they really cared for me, like I cared for them. I assume they saw this as my apathetic attitude and lack of concern. Nonetheless, they did talk to me about things. I heard stories about rape, betrayal, problems of the heart, and such. And in the midst of their stories, I heard them speak about other friends. They seemed to have such a close relationship from the outside, but I heard them say horrible things about the other. And I started to wonder if they were saying the same of me. Or worse.
I decided that I could not trust people.
I decided that I could find out information from other sources to confirm what I was told by someone.
I decided that I did not need to talk to anyone.
I decided that I could write my feelings out.
I decided that no one would really know me.
I decided that I did not need them.
I decided that I did not want them.

And now it all makes sense.