12 June 2009

Okay, so things are okay now. Actually, things are pretty good.

Uni: Finals start tomorrow. I have yet to really start studying. And we were given a whole week off to study, good on you Aussies. However, I am a horrible student and did not take advantage of it at all. Instead, I laid around the room and watched television and got on the internet. Nevertheless, finals will be finished in less than a week and I will have time to kill.

Social matters: I finally got to meet Pete. I mentioned finding a fellow in Brisbane before I got on the plane a few months ago. We’ve been chatting ever so often on the internet and texting a few times as well. He found himself in my area and we met up for coffee. He’s super nice and it was great to finally put a face to the name. Other than that, I have not really been socializing. I sent out a few e-mails to people in the States that I have lost contact with and even found an old friend on Facebook. That was pretty cool. And I may have a friend to visit when I want to make my way down to the southern states here in Oz.

Church: So, Caleb and I go to church on Sunday mornings. While there one morning a girl, Alex, came up to me and we started talking. She pretty much told us that we need to get in the habit of going to church on Wednesday nights because the “service” consists mainly of music and you can just go soak it in, hence the name “Soak”. We also ran into a few friends that we were getting in the habit of meeting up with every other Tuesday. Unfortunately we missed a few due to circumstances beyond our control and we were told that the meeting was this coming Tuesday. We planned on going to it and then the following night would be Soak. We never got the message for the Tuesday meeting, so we went out to eat instead. Then Wednesday we walked over to the church and it was locked. So, we missed out. And were kind of confused. But there is a young adult service tonight that we’re probably going to attend.

Family: I have no idea what they are up to really. I got a package sent out yesterday filled with goodies for them. I’m kind of excited to get pictures of the boys and their gifts. And I want to know what my dad thinks of his. I’m also supposed to get one from my mother soon too. Probably in two weeks. I told her to wait till she got mine so she could put pictures in it. My sister’s pregnancy is going well I guess. She seems super excited about the whole thing and even has part of his room set up. I wish I could be there for the birth, but pictures and video will suffice. I can’t imagine jetting back after less than a year for just a short time. When I go back, I want to see stuff. I want to go to New York and Texas and Tahoe and Utah and Chicago and Florida and …yeah, heaps of places. So, I want to wait on this trip and maybe convince my mother or father to come over here and see me and the beach.

Friends: I have kind of lost contact with my friends from the States. I am e-mailing a couple back and forth that I haven’t really seen or talked to since graduation, so that is nice. But the ones I had back in college are becoming distant. Lives are so hectic in drama-filled Arkansas, so that is understandable. However, I am making new friends here, which is nice. I am able to go out and do things without feeling awkward or like a third wheel now. I really wish I could keep the friendships I had made strong though.

I am off to study now. I want to actually pass the course with flying colours… maybe.

for the time being…

…I will not be myself. I got word last night that my grandmother isn’t doing well.
My mother sent me a text. Upon first receiving and reading the contents, I was appalled. What nerve she has, telling me something so magnanimous in a text message. I had to have some stress relief. I went to smoke hookah with a friend. The world disappeared for those two hours.
I got back to the apartment and went to sleep. I had a headache and was going on little sleep anyway. I didn’t do my homework. I didn’t care. I wanted the world to stop spinning. I wanted to cease to be.
I woke up this morning and went to school. Two classes. I received and missed a call from my sister. Voice mail. She wanted to know if I was going to make it back to Arkansas for the Labor Day Weekend. I have work. We started talking about my previous night with my mother. My sister had also spoken with her.
Things are bad. My grandmother hasn’t eaten in days. She is starting to mottle. (For those who don’t know what that is, it is when blood stops circulating. Starts in the lower extremities and works its way up.) Her end is near. I know now why my mother didn’t call to tell me. She’s been crying. According to my sister, she hasn’t been at work either. Things are falling apart without my grandmother to hold them together.
I have tried to figure out why she’s holding on. I have racked my brain with different reasons as to why she would remain in such a lifeless life…and I come up with nothing. I know she cares about us. I know she realizes we’ll hurt when she’s gone. I know she knows we love her. But we don’t want her to be in pain. No one here would ask her to stay in this pain, both physically and emotionally, to be near us when we make it back to her room.

All that said, I’ve lost the person I would go to about this. I have no one to turn to anymore for comfort. I’ve never been able to go to someone and be able to just cry. I’ve been the strong one. People called me to ask them for comfort, a shoulder to cry on, a friend. I finally found someone that could be that for me…and they aren’t here anymore. I feel so lost without them.

Colorguard 2008

I’m very excited about this year. The guard is like none I’ve been with before. We all click. Our personalities just mesh really well. It’s different than last year, or the year before. We all got along last year at first. But as the year progressed, things went sour. I just pray that the vibe from the first few days continues. It would be a sad day when the previous year was repeated. The drama and stress levels of everyone shot through the roof. Things were said and done that never should have happened….but this year seems to be better.
We even have a male joining us. No one knew about him until Monday morning. I didn’t know about him…I was shocked when he was walking with us to talk about uniforms. I’m a very….social person, so I was jumping up and down and hugging him. It’s like having my best guy friend from high school with me. I am uber excited about him. He brings a special attitude to practice-and some great stories. We get along so well.
All that aside, I bought my books for school today. Seven. Seven books. My literature class took 3 alone, and I didn’t get the “purchase” book required. I already have a copy of Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, so I figured I’d save some money. I start classes next week. And work. One of the guard girls got a job at the same place, so I’m a little more excited about it now.
I also move the rest of my things on Saturday. I am going back to Arkansas tomorrow evening and packing everything I think I’ll need or want and hitting the road with my parents as early as possible on Saturday. My friend of almost 15 years is joining me…and my parents don’t know it yet. They don’t really like her, but I do. She is coming up here to see my apartment and we are going to try to have some fun before she moves next Monday. We’re going to be about 5 hours away from each other and we aren’t used to that. We’ve always been fairly close. We share clothing all the time. Speaking of which, I need to return some things I believe. So, she’s coming with us. I don’t know if my father knows about the male living with us…I know my mother does, but my father won’t like it….Oh well.
I’ll try to post a few pictures on Saturday.

It’s just one of those days…

…and my last post wasn’t the best thing to leave up here. I’ve been going through some weird emotional fluxes. There is no telling which emotion will be the focus for my day. If I’m left alone for too long, I start to feel depressed-not sad, depressed-or angry. If I’m busy I begin to feel nothing. I am so focused on whatever I am doing to feel anything. I may get overwhelmed for a while and start to feel frustrated….but it’s a nice reprieve from what I feel when I have nothing to do.
I’m just so tired of feeling like this. I hate that I get so utterly depressed. I’m so tired of feeling this way. I wouldn’t describe myself as a depressed person, I never have, but I do get into these….valleys. I have the hills, too. High hills. I love that feeling. To feel like nothing can bring you down…ever.

I finally told my mother about my trip in July. She wasn’t too excited about it. In fact, she got mad at me.
“I used to think you were so smart. But some of the things you’ve been doing lately make me think differently….”
“I’ll be fine. I promise.”
“You say that.”
“I promise. I’ll be okay.”

So…she’s mad at me. I think she’s more scared than anything. To see her baby girl growing up…that’s got to be terrifying. I can’t imagine it. But she needs to understand that she didn’t raise an idiot. I am going to be fine. I will. I have to.

My grandmother is back at the house. She went straight from the ICU to the house. There was no room in the hospital for her. And they needed to move 7 people into the ICU from the ER, I believe. So, they sent her home. She gained 30 pounds in less than a week. She doesn’t even look the same. She just looks….miserable. She couldn’t even feed herself. Her hands were so shaky that she kept spilling the food or drink. Her arms are swollen from the crap the hospital pumped into her in massive amounts. She hasn’t been that big in years. It’s scary. 30 pounds in 6 days. It’s unhealthy.

So, I am going back to work. I am going to try to feel better. I am in one of those valleys today.

it’s coming back….

I was sitting with my mother on the couch one day. We were watching television, snacking on foods, playing on the laptop, ect. when she turns to me during the conversation and says something that startles me. It shocked me…I don’t even remember how we got onto a subject that would even relate to it. I was stunned…

“I used to think you were a level-headed, intelligent girl who knew what she wanted and was going somewhere.”
“…and you don’t anymore?”
“No.”
“Why? What would make you think differently of me?”
“Everything you’ve been doing recently.”

::Basically, she told me that my life was going no where. I was wasting my time. I was being retarded about certain aspects, that I should do quite a bit differently. Oh, let’s not forget….

“. . .You’re going to be the one who winds up pregnant before they’re married. . .”

::What the hell? I am not my sister. I do not go out and get whatever pleases me when it pleases me. I am smart, I am careful, I have morals, I have self-control, I have…everything my sister lacked when it comes to the opposite sex. I am still a virgin, at my age, my sister had already had more sexual partners than guys I’ve kissed and had been married (not completely happily) for over a year. What the hell is my mother thinking?

::…..everything has just come back. I am back to the point where I am ready to pack up and leave. I can get a ride to the bus station in a neighboring city, I can sell my stuff that is of no use to me, I can get out of here for good. So, I started planning. I asked a good friend if she would sell my stuff, I’d give her a portion, and then wire me the rest. I have enough money to get a Go-Phone at Wal-Mart, I have enough to get out of here. Why the hell am I still here?

::I sent out a text message to a few friends. I asked “What would you do if I left?” I didn’t say when, where I would go, anything else. I instantly get a message back from a friend I’ve only known for a few weeks. “Cry”…a few moments later I get a phone call from a friend I’ve only known for a few months, “You can’t leave. I’d cry…” I get another phone call, same thing. After a few moments, I get a message from a friend I’ve known for about 4 years. “I’ve been waiting for you to ask that question. I’d be sad, but I’d support you 100%”
I think I know exactly why I am here. It’s a combination of several things, one of which is very significant and carries a great deal of weight in the decision making. I will leave eventually, I have to. I don’t want to be one of those who are suck here. Most of them don’t know what is out there, what will happen, why they are here. They just go through the motions of life, doing what they think they are supposed to do, what they have been trained to do.
I will not be one of them.