04112011- I lied…

Me: How upset are you that nothing happened on Friday? 5:03 PM

Caleb?: : Uh, not at all? I feel like there was just something i might have been missing, something that we all might understand soon, maybe. I didnt know what to expect, but im still paying attention… Why? 5:38 PM

Me: Just curious. I mean, the lights that happened that week and the earthquakes and shit. And then nothing on Friday. It almost feels like a let down. 5:39 PM

Caleb?: But the second things happen and when we find out about them can be different… What if on that day an alien race gave our goverments an ultimatum? Or anything like that? Ive felt more since then too- felt like thoughts have been more complete, and dreams have been more frequent, I dunno, still waitin to grow some more 5:48 PM

Me: You believe in aliens now? I mean, I’m not saying they don’t, but from a realistic point of view, I don’t see how they can and we don’t know already. 5:50 PM

Me: Probably not what I was supposed to focus on, but whatever. LOL. 5:51 PM

Caleb?: Youre gonna just have to roll with me on the alien thing. too long a story. 6:05 PM

Me: I’m slightly intrigued. 6:06 PM

Caleb?: I’ve definitely explained enough craziness to enough people lately to go into all that. 6:09 PM

Me: I wasn’t asking for an explanation. I was just saying. 6:09 PM

Caleb?: I understand. 6:25 PM

Me: Anyway, thanks. 6:26 PM

Caleb?: Why did ya wonder? 6:28 PM

Me: Eh? 6:28 PM

Caleb?: Whyd you ask 6:29 PM

Me: Oh. I’m not sure. I guess because you were the one who told me about it and you were so into it. It was your new Australia almost. 6:30 PM

Caleb?: You were right when you said I’d lost my drive. You nailed it. 6:37 PM

Me: I know. 6:37 PM

Caleb?: I’m glad. It was a drive fed by my ability to fuck with people. And it rode on the same resource. 6:48 PM

Caleb?: It was pure ego. 6:50 PM

Me: Yeah, but you did more than anyone else when you had it. Seems like you are more stationary without it. In all aspects… 6:52 PM

Caleb?: I definitely am. I hate it. 6:52 PM

Me: Why not change it? 6:53 PM

Caleb?: This is what a conflicted person does. And the drive was more external than innate. 6:54 PM

Me: You think so? What was different before? 6:55 PM

Caleb?: Different company. 6:55 PM

Me: Jess? Alyssa? Me? 6:56 PM

Me: Ryan? 6:56 PM

Caleb?: Not anyone that was removed. It’s the company since added. 6:57 PM

Me: Ashley? Really? 6:58 PM

Caleb?: It was gone before she and I got together. 7:04 PM

Me: Jd? I’m curious and I don’t know why… 7:05 PM

Caleb?: I don’t know… but I’m only certain enough of anything to say that it’s related to the change of people around me. 7:06 PM

Me: Uh huh… 7:07 PM

Caleb?: Have you ever had an actual conversation with Ashley? Ever? 7:09 PM

Me: Other than the Facebook stuff, no. Why would I? 7:10 PM

Caleb?: You clearly wouldn’t. 7:11 PM

Me: So why ask? 7:11 PM

Caleb?: Because I’d love like nothing else to see that happen. 7:12 PM

Me: Why? 7:12 PM

Caleb?: Because I’m a sucker for people confronting things that get to them most. Small part of the drive that still lingers. 7:13 PM

Me: I don’t get to her. So what would that accomplish? 7:15 PM

Caleb?: Wouldn’t be for her. 7:17 PM

Me: What am I supposed to get out of it? 7:18 PM

Caleb?: Would be for you either, kiddo. 7:18 PM

Me: Are you serious? 7:19 PM

Caleb?: Well yeah. 7:24 PM

Me: Tell you what, next time you are in Fayetown, we’ll all get high and talk. 7:27 PM

Caleb?: I think if the three of us all got together in the same room the world would actually have to end. 7:30 PM

Me: Why is that? 7:32 PM

Caleb?: Because we’d all be different people than the people that we are. I’d have to be excluded. 7:34 PM

Me: I thought you couldn’t handle fakeness when high. Wouldn’t that be better? 7:35 PM

Caleb?: Not about fakeness. You two are from different planets. You’d need me out of the way to figure out what language you’d use. If I were there I’d be transl 7:38 PM

Caleb?: ating, and I’d be terrible at it. 7:38 PM

Me: Pfft. Like I’d let you translate for me. 7:39 PM

Caleb?: If I wanted it to happen, it’d happen. Both both those reasons I’d have to be out of the room. 7:41 PM

Me: No. You wouldn’t get to decide everything if I were there. 7:42 PM

Caleb?: You’re already behind on this analogy. Don’t worry about it. It will definitely never happen. 7:44 PM

Me: I know. Which is why I didn’t care to keep up. 7:44 PM

 

23092011:: classroom thoughts

As I sit in physical chemistry, I think about others things…

A couple days ago, Caleb found the other blog. Obviously, he was concerned about the other people’s secrets and feelings and such, so he commented. Then he called when I was in class. I texted him and got no response. I figured we were done talking about it.  I was wrong. He called again that night from some 800 number and I answered assuming it was a credit card collection company looking for Alicia again. And again, I was wrong. It was a short conversation where he asked if he could call again later that night. I agreed because I was a bit intoxicated and planned on being asleep at that time. He did call, but I was asleep and he hasn’t contacted me since.

///its been a few days since I’ve had the ability to sit and write.

And now I can’t write about what I want because someone will find it and I’ll have to be confrontational.
…I had a flashback to Australia last night. Markos. You remember living with him Caleb? Yeah, that’s about where I am again. Only this time its my apartment.

…I need to stop. Today is about patience, not justice, not manifestation. Patience.

25082011

Today is 1 and wisdom on the Mayan calendar.

Today is my parents’ anniversary.

Today seems like the right day to start going to a church event again.

Today will be good.

july 8th

I’m not writing this on July 8th, but the following story took place that day….

 

I went to work. It was a Friday. I had just finished my first week of summer classes in Fort Smith and agreed to work the day shift since evenings are fully staffed. Georgia called me that week to ask. I was “feeding a resident” who didn’t really need help (aside from the occasional reminder that food was in front of them) and I pulled out my phone to pass the time.
Ever since that stupid Rebecca Black song came out, I have been doing this thing with James. We’d go back and forth posting part of the lyrics on each other’s Facebook walls, just to get that song stuck in the other’s head.  I had been texting him a bit and laughing at the person in the room. Steve Irwin was on the tv, over in Egypt, looking at elephants. (I love elephants.) I get a text from Misty.
…she was backing out of the apartment deal. We had been talking about moving in together for a while and found a place with one of my other friends whom she gets along with very well. Since Misty lives in Fort Smith, she hadn’t signed the lease yet or put any money into the situation, but Ann and I had. We were moving in August and Misty was joining us in September after she graduated from beauty school. The text reads, verbatim, “Hey I’m sorry to tell you this but I’m not going to be moving in with you in September.” I received it at 12:18pm. She was at lunch. She had talked to Ginger, I’m assuming.
I was angry at first and let it get to me. I almost instantly responded with something along the lines of asking if she was moving in with CR (the boyfriend). Then, I decided against having that conversation via text. I told her if she wanted to salvage any kind of friendship, she could call me after 3pm. I needed time to think about this and let it sink in before I talked to her or anyone else for that matter. I was livid, so pissed off I couldn’t see straight. I used the rest of the day to chill out and forget about it. I had too many things running through my mind. What was I going to do? Where would Ann and I live? Could we find another roommate? What if we can’t? Is there any way we could get a different apartment with the same management? Could we find a different place all together? Would Andrew let me move in with him till I found something? Why’d she do it through text? Didn’t she know I was in town all week and we could have talked? What made her change her mind? What did Ginger say? Where am I going to live now?
So, with all those questions racing, I worked the remaining hour and a half and met up with Ann. The poor girl. She was so happy to tell her current roommate that she was moving out in August. And then Misty had to screw up the plans. Thank God, Ann had just got back from a trip to California and brought Cadbury chocolate. We sat for a bit and tried to figure out our next step when my phone rang. Misty. We talked for maybe 15 minutes. She went on about how I don’t like CR and how I was talking crap about her after she left the previous Friday when we met up at the mall.
I do not pretend to like CR. I don’t like him. Everyone knows this. Everyone. Even people who don’t know Misty or CR know I despise him. He’s worthless and useless and a piece of crap. He’s a loser who will never amount to anything.
So, we ended up fighting and I hung up on her. She then blocked me on Facebook (or had someone else to do, since I highly doubt she knows how to do it herself). I lost all respect for her when she chose to back out of this via text. She had all week to meet up with me and be adult and mature about this, but she chose to pussy out the worst way possible.

Ann heard the whole thing. It was ridiculous the things she was using as excuses to not move in. So, she and I aren’t friends anymore. And I doubt we will talk to each other for a very long time.

After that phone call, Ann and I got online to try to find a roommate but couldn’t log in to the university website since we had both forgotten our passwords. So, on the way to my place, we stopped by the complex we were supposed to move in to and talked to the manager. After explaining the situation, he informed us the only thing he had available was a 2 bedroom 1.5 bath townhouse. We agreed to take a look, since water is paid and it’s cheaper than what we were going to pay for the 3 bedroom 3 bath.
It is wonderful. We have rooms about the same size, a decent bathroom upstairs, a kitchen with more cabinet space than imaginable and a back porch. We took it. Then, went to Olive Garden to celebrate.

 

I had updated my Facebook status to the following: …so, things worked out. Turns out I am going to be better off now that she’s not gonna move in.
Ginger’s boyfriend, Wesley, decided to get involved. He posted a comment about how he’s sure Misty feels the same way, but used Ginger’s account. I told him to get off my profile, and when he said he was “free to roam as he pleased,” I told him to fuck off and I blocked that profile. So, not only did I lose one friend, I lost two. Ginger had to get involved, tell everyone she knows an exaggerated  story of what happened or the past experiences of anyone and everyone involved, so she’s gone too. Nothing is safe around her anymore. (Not that it ever really was…)

So, there’s the story of July 8th.

By the way, thanks Caleb for warning me about that day. It was my first 260 day birthday since we started talking about that calendar. It was kinda weird to think about you and be impressed something you said actually was kinda true.

understanding and wind

It’s weird and somehow fitting that I thought about you today. I even talked about it with a friend who has never met you.

I miss being in a relationship. I think I’m about ready for it emotionally now, and the current situation is not working out, so I almost want one now. But then I think about it and how it wouldn’t work out in the long run (most likely at least) since I plan on moving still.

And I thought about Caleb a bit. Wondered how he was doing, what he was doing, ect. I almost picked up the phone to text him…and I thought about how shitty it was/is between us. Would I really want to go back to that? Would I really be able to blame him for ruining it again when it breaks apart? Would I really be able to be just friends with him? Would I be able to handle him talking about that girl? No. Never.
So I put the phone down.

 

…I’m actually really proud of myself for this. I wasn’t in this much control of myself a month ago.

But, along the same lines, I can’t do this with Andrew. (Side note: if you are reading this post, please stop now. Please. I want to keep things the way they are now.) I still get kind of jealous when I see him text another girl. It even ruins my mood for the day. And I know he and I wouldn’t work out. I know this. He has too many qualities that remind me of Caleb. We don’t have enough in common to work out. But, I want a relationship. And he’s convenient.

 

…./end random.