the days pass slowly
i try to find something
anything
to fill the hours, minutes,
seconds
pain and numbness take turns
mocking me
i’m sorry i keep holding on
to what i thought we had
i’m trying to move on
to let you go
to find myself
in this sea of
choices
the day i thought would never come
has finally made an appearance
i’m left alone, completely
isolated
stop looking back there
it only brings pain and tears
you left it for a reason
you wanted something better
you can never go back
the thought of what used to be
cannot cross your mind too often
you know what happened
you know what was said
you know what changed
you know why you left
you know you can never go back
looking back makes you weak
thinking of what happened
brings pain and tears
I see a person that is unfamiliar
A new, nameless identity.
I have a strange feeling
That I knew you once
As I peer into the eyes
Filled with sadness and regret,
I can see years have robbed
The once energetic soul
And left you weary and tired,
Yearning for the life you once had.
I see the tears drops falling,
Waterfalls covering your cheeks,
Revealing your deepest fears.
Old scars speckled between new
Revealing the pain behind
The smile on your face.
I now know where I knew you before,
I saw you in the mirror.
So, I figured I should post something. I only have like 2 more posts to do (1 after this) and I will have reached my 15 posts goal (or whatever you want to call it) before I leave for New York. Did I mention I only have 2 days left?!
Quite a bit has happened since I posted last. And quite a bit won’t be posted due to the consequences involved…but I can say that work sucks more than usual, my “family” is the same, and I don’t really know what’s going to happen next.
My best friend of almost 15 years went camping last week. My cousin joined her. Update on her: she is leaving for basic in a little over a month…and I don’t really know her anymore. We used to be close (though only cause we knew something about each other…massive secrets make good friends) but now I don’t know her. She is so wrapped up with this new “friend” that I just don’t like. I get a bad vibe from her and I can’t tell my cousin. She’d flip. She always saying she misses me and that we need to hang out…then she goes and changes her number and doesn’t even tell me. I have no way to get a hold of her. And I just saved her butt from going to jail for a few days…I would do anything for her, I love her to death, she’s family after all…but I don’t know her anymore.
I came back to the house from work on Friday. My mother called as soon as I got off work to make sure I was headed there. She had a bad feeling. And she was right. I was sitting on the couch talking on the phone, and my grandmother hollers for me. She’s in pain. Sharp pain in her abdomen. No real reason for it…other than the cancer. So I help…or do whatever she tells me. I don’t think it does anything at all in reality, other than making her think something is changing. I give her two hydromorphones…and she’s still yelling. I call my mother and aunt. After about 20 minutes, my aunt gets to the house and checks her BP and pulse..it’s fine. I go back to her room to check on her and she asks when my mother is getting home. It’s about 6:15pm. My mother has at least 15 minutes left of work and a 7 minute drive back to the house…not what my grandmother wanted to hear. She tears up when she tells me that she misses my mother. I turn and walk out of the room knowing she doesn’t really want me to do anything aside from calling my mother and telling her to come home now. It hurts.
“Nothing against your mom, and don’t take this the wrong way…but it hurts our feelings. To see someone you love in pain and wanting to be there with them…and they only want one of you. And it’s never you they want.”
“I know. And it’s not fair….to anyone.”
Saturday was better. I spent most of the day asleep or editing video. I got about 15 minutes of film edited…and that didn’t include everything I’d shot. And I got more footage today with my sister. So, I’ll be busy for the next few hours….fun fun.
2 days, 12 hrs, 26 mins, 58 secs
Better to Have Loved
By: Idina Menzel
If the sun went down tomorrow and it never came back
And the city went quiet and we fade to black
Well I won’t have a single regret
And I wouldn’t trade a thing
Cause I never knew I could feel what I feel inside of me
Better to have loved than never loved at all
Better to have dreamed than never taken the fall
Better to have loved you and let you in than never to have touched your skin
Better to have hurt and screamed and cried
Fall into the earth for a trip to the sky
Better to have loved
You
Better to have Loved:
I knew all the time I was taking a chance
When I stand there on the edge of the cliff and no one was holding my hand
Well the wind blew strong and the clouds rolled in and I, I felt us lift off the ground
Yes I bared my soul and I dared to go knowing one day you might let me down
Better to have loved than never loved at all
Better to have dreamed than never taken the fall
Better to have loved you and let you in than never to have touched your skin
Better to have hurt and screamed and cried
Fall into the earth for a trip to the sky
Better to have loved
You
I gave you everything but to have said goodbye
Better to have loved than never loved at all
Better to have dreamed than never taken the fall
Better to have loved you and let you in than never to have touched your skin
Better to have hurt and screamed and cried
Fall into the earth for a trip to the sky
Better to have loved, better to have loved
You
