for the time being…

…I will not be myself. I got word last night that my grandmother isn’t doing well.
My mother sent me a text. Upon first receiving and reading the contents, I was appalled. What nerve she has, telling me something so magnanimous in a text message. I had to have some stress relief. I went to smoke hookah with a friend. The world disappeared for those two hours.
I got back to the apartment and went to sleep. I had a headache and was going on little sleep anyway. I didn’t do my homework. I didn’t care. I wanted the world to stop spinning. I wanted to cease to be.
I woke up this morning and went to school. Two classes. I received and missed a call from my sister. Voice mail. She wanted to know if I was going to make it back to Arkansas for the Labor Day Weekend. I have work. We started talking about my previous night with my mother. My sister had also spoken with her.
Things are bad. My grandmother hasn’t eaten in days. She is starting to mottle. (For those who don’t know what that is, it is when blood stops circulating. Starts in the lower extremities and works its way up.) Her end is near. I know now why my mother didn’t call to tell me. She’s been crying. According to my sister, she hasn’t been at work either. Things are falling apart without my grandmother to hold them together.
I have tried to figure out why she’s holding on. I have racked my brain with different reasons as to why she would remain in such a lifeless life…and I come up with nothing. I know she cares about us. I know she realizes we’ll hurt when she’s gone. I know she knows we love her. But we don’t want her to be in pain. No one here would ask her to stay in this pain, both physically and emotionally, to be near us when we make it back to her room.

All that said, I’ve lost the person I would go to about this. I have no one to turn to anymore for comfort. I’ve never been able to go to someone and be able to just cry. I’ve been the strong one. People called me to ask them for comfort, a shoulder to cry on, a friend. I finally found someone that could be that for me…and they aren’t here anymore. I feel so lost without them.

2 days left…

So, I figured I should post something. I only have like 2 more posts to do (1 after this) and I will have reached my 15 posts goal (or whatever you want to call it) before I leave for New York. Did I mention I only have 2 days left?!

Quite a bit has happened since I posted last. And quite a bit won’t be posted due to the consequences involved…but I can say that work sucks more than usual, my “family” is the same, and I don’t really know what’s going to happen next.
My best friend of almost 15 years went camping last week. My cousin joined her. Update on her: she is leaving for basic in a little over a month…and I don’t really know her anymore. We used to be close (though only cause we knew something about each other…massive secrets make good friends) but now I don’t know her. She is so wrapped up with this new “friend” that I just don’t like. I get a bad vibe from her and I can’t tell my cousin. She’d flip. She always saying she misses me and that we need to hang out…then she goes and changes her number and doesn’t even tell me. I have no way to get a hold of her. And I just saved her butt from going to jail for a few days…I would do anything for her, I love her to death, she’s family after all…but I don’t know her anymore.
I came back to the house from work on Friday. My mother called as soon as I got off work to make sure I was headed there. She had a bad feeling. And she was right. I was sitting on the couch talking on the phone, and my grandmother hollers for me. She’s in pain. Sharp pain in her abdomen. No real reason for it…other than the cancer. So I help…or do whatever she tells me. I don’t think it does anything at all in reality, other than making her think something is changing. I give her two hydromorphones…and she’s still yelling. I call my mother and aunt. After about 20 minutes, my aunt gets to the house and checks her BP and pulse..it’s fine. I go back to her room to check on her and she asks when my mother is getting home. It’s about 6:15pm. My mother has at least 15 minutes left of work and a 7 minute drive back to the house…not what my grandmother wanted to hear. She tears up when she tells me that she misses my mother. I turn and walk out of the room knowing she doesn’t really want me to do anything aside from calling my mother and telling her to come home now. It hurts.
“Nothing against your mom, and don’t take this the wrong way…but it hurts our feelings. To see someone you love in pain and wanting to be there with them…and they only want one of you. And it’s never you they want.”
“I know. And it’s not fair….to anyone.”
Saturday was better. I spent most of the day asleep or editing video. I got about 15 minutes of film edited…and that didn’t include everything I’d shot. And I got more footage today with my sister. So, I’ll be busy for the next few hours….fun fun.

2 days, 12 hrs, 26 mins, 58 secs

9 days left….

And it has been made aware that I will have to post at least once a day for 6 days to reach my 15 posts minimum before I leave…so here we go.

I spent most of the day with my sister. We went to IHOP and ate a lovely breakfast at 12pm. Great conversation, great company. And seeing as how I won’t see her before she leaves tomorrow, it just seemed fitting that we went shopping for her. She didn’t really buy much, just some stuff for the cats and dogs, but then we went looking at dishes. Her husband refuses to take the dishes they have, so my sister gets to buy brand new ones. She is having a ball looking at the variety of shapes, sizes, colors and textures.
“Look at this! It’s the perfect bowl!”
“It’s so deep! It’s perfect for cereal! And ice cream….”
“It’s a good bowl.”
“That’s more of a salad bowl, not so good for cereal…”
We walked around several stores looking at dishes, putting our hands in the bowls to make sure they were deep enough to work for cereal. And we cannot forget the mugs. Some were absolutely perfect for soup or ice cream, some just for hot cocoa or coffee. It was so much fun walking around making jokes and generally having a good Sunday afternoon. The perfect end.

I also must clean this room with my bed and clothes in it. I am having difficulty finding certain items of clothing in the mornings when I am getting dressed for work. I have to have some kind of organization back in here or I am likely to go crazy. I believe I will have a new video up by the end of the day as well. I need to get some footage back on the internet for those people who liked the last one enough to ask for more.
“Each video gets better!”
“Let’s make another. But what of?”

So, today will be the beginning of my last full week before I leave for New York. I am looking into suitcases for the trip…well, more seriously. The one I have is absolutely too small for 5 days worth of clothing and shoes for me. Some people could get by with it, but not me. I need something bigger. I am hoping to spend no more than $60 for it, but we’ll see. I also need a carry-on bag that is big enough for the things I plan on having on the plane. I hope to put my Ipod in and be wrapped up in a book so I don’t think about being 30,000 feet above the ground….but we’ll see.

9 days left….

I’m beginning to wonder…

…why I do this to myself. I hate my job on most days. I can’t stand the people I encounter on a daily basis. There are 4 people at my work place that I can stand to carry on a conversation with. And only one of them knows me. And that’s partially. We only talk at lunch. Granted she is more understanding than most here, but she doesn’t really know me. But then again, no one in my family knows me as well as she does. How depressing. I used to be so family orientated…I loved being around them. I wanted to be around them. They were all I knew, all I wanted to know. I thought I had the ideal life growing up. Both parents living in the same house, still married. A sister I could share clothes with, doubling my closet. A set of grandparents with the coolest house, an in-ground pool with a diving board and slide, games and activies galore. Cousins close to my age, always having some idea for fun around the neighborhood. I thought I had it all.
Then I grew up. I realized the drama created by those people is not something I want to be around. They thrive on drama. It’s like they think they cannot function without having something to gossip about or complain about or boast about. They cannot have normal conversations. It isn’t possible. And then they go and complain about all the drama…which makes perfect sense, right? I am so tired of these people…
….and work is just as bad. Only there are no male captives. It is a building full of females. Females who are not afraid to say when you’ve pissed them off. Females who all suffer from PMS…daily. Females who are two-faced, if they decide they like you that day. Females who are the biggest bitches alive. I’m so tired of dealing with them. I feel sorry for those people who come here asking for help. Those poor people who need work. I understand there are those who are lazy. Too lazy to work. They want to sit on their butts, not move a finger, and get paid over $10 per hour….if they find that job, I want in on it. The people here are insane.

I realized that I’ve learned so much about the corruption of this place. I see illegal immigrants coming over the border and getting jobs. They are hard workers…and they work for next to nothing. They come here and plant themselves in the ghetto, have multiple kids who learn to speak English so they fit in better and can translate…and they are taking over.
I was at the mall with my sister and cousin. This is the same one who wanted to “fight all the bad people” and save the world. We were looking at the purses in J.C. Penny and came across a group of Spanish speaking people. It was a family, a large family. They didn’t acknowlege our existence, we didn’t acknowlege theirs. That is, until my cousin heard a child crying. Being the curious sole he is, he went over to look. And being the gentle heart he is, he started to try to comfort the strange child. My sister and I immediately go into protection mode. We have to walk away completely. My cousin is such a caring person, he didn’t understand. Just like we didn’t understand what the family was saying. Just like the family didn’t understand what we were saying. My sister, being the person she is, started in about the illegal immigrants and such. Naturally, the seven-year-old boy asked questions. “They’re aliens, honey.” “Aliens? They’re going to take over!” “Yes, they are. But not like you think. They are taking over the country.” “Huh?” My sister then proceeds to tell this very impressionable child about the horrors of the country. You might as well have told him that the world was going to end and he would never see his family again. He was so torn up by the fact that someone was going to take over the country. He can’t even really know what that means, but it upset him so much. It was like a reality shock.

I find it ironic and funny and sad all at the same time. Not even 24 hours after a conversation where I said I’d do things I never thought I would…my manager gives me a raise. Not a 25 cent raise, not a 50 cent raise… a dollar more an hour raise. And to top things off, she is planning on making it better. Like between 3 and 4 dollars more an hour after the raise that goes into effect tomorrow. All for me to stay here. She is trying so hard to convince me to stay. And I could make pretty good money at the job I’m at. With the pay rate she’s talking about, I could get by…I could get by really well. I could move into a fairly nice apartment, pay all my bills and have plenty of money to spare. Hell, I could even afford some trips to various locations….

…43 days.

it’s coming back….

I was sitting with my mother on the couch one day. We were watching television, snacking on foods, playing on the laptop, ect. when she turns to me during the conversation and says something that startles me. It shocked me…I don’t even remember how we got onto a subject that would even relate to it. I was stunned…

“I used to think you were a level-headed, intelligent girl who knew what she wanted and was going somewhere.”
“…and you don’t anymore?”
“No.”
“Why? What would make you think differently of me?”
“Everything you’ve been doing recently.”

::Basically, she told me that my life was going no where. I was wasting my time. I was being retarded about certain aspects, that I should do quite a bit differently. Oh, let’s not forget….

“. . .You’re going to be the one who winds up pregnant before they’re married. . .”

::What the hell? I am not my sister. I do not go out and get whatever pleases me when it pleases me. I am smart, I am careful, I have morals, I have self-control, I have…everything my sister lacked when it comes to the opposite sex. I am still a virgin, at my age, my sister had already had more sexual partners than guys I’ve kissed and had been married (not completely happily) for over a year. What the hell is my mother thinking?

::…..everything has just come back. I am back to the point where I am ready to pack up and leave. I can get a ride to the bus station in a neighboring city, I can sell my stuff that is of no use to me, I can get out of here for good. So, I started planning. I asked a good friend if she would sell my stuff, I’d give her a portion, and then wire me the rest. I have enough money to get a Go-Phone at Wal-Mart, I have enough to get out of here. Why the hell am I still here?

::I sent out a text message to a few friends. I asked “What would you do if I left?” I didn’t say when, where I would go, anything else. I instantly get a message back from a friend I’ve only known for a few weeks. “Cry”…a few moments later I get a phone call from a friend I’ve only known for a few months, “You can’t leave. I’d cry…” I get another phone call, same thing. After a few moments, I get a message from a friend I’ve known for about 4 years. “I’ve been waiting for you to ask that question. I’d be sad, but I’d support you 100%”
I think I know exactly why I am here. It’s a combination of several things, one of which is very significant and carries a great deal of weight in the decision making. I will leave eventually, I have to. I don’t want to be one of those who are suck here. Most of them don’t know what is out there, what will happen, why they are here. They just go through the motions of life, doing what they think they are supposed to do, what they have been trained to do.
I will not be one of them.