understanding and wind

It’s weird and somehow fitting that I thought about you today. I even talked about it with a friend who has never met you.

I miss being in a relationship. I think I’m about ready for it emotionally now, and the current situation is not working out, so I almost want one now. But then I think about it and how it wouldn’t work out in the long run (most likely at least) since I plan on moving still.

And I thought about Caleb a bit. Wondered how he was doing, what he was doing, ect. I almost picked up the phone to text him…and I thought about how shitty it was/is between us. Would I really want to go back to that? Would I really be able to blame him for ruining it again when it breaks apart? Would I really be able to be just friends with him? Would I be able to handle him talking about that girl? No. Never.
So I put the phone down.

 

…I’m actually really proud of myself for this. I wasn’t in this much control of myself a month ago.

But, along the same lines, I can’t do this with Andrew. (Side note: if you are reading this post, please stop now. Please. I want to keep things the way they are now.) I still get kind of jealous when I see him text another girl. It even ruins my mood for the day. And I know he and I wouldn’t work out. I know this. He has too many qualities that remind me of Caleb. We don’t have enough in common to work out. But, I want a relationship. And he’s convenient.

 

…./end random.

Today I…

…I sat in the bathtub soaking. I looked at the water, the reflection, the ripples moving across the top. I sat and I wished I could write a beautiful poem or something about what I felt, what I thought about the reflections and the idea of the source of the ripples disappearing but the effect still being there, the distortion of my leg under the water. I tried for a while to think of something, anything to say about it and I failed at picking words, phrases, everything.

…I thought about where I was a year ago. I tend to do this every now and then. I don’t usually miss where I was, but now I do. I was talking to Misty the other day and realized that this is the first time in a while, about a year, that I’ve worked a job again and had a goal I was striving for and how much sacrifice I was willing to make to get there. And I missed the time where I didn’t have that. I was able to settle in Australia. I didn’t have a goal that hindered my social life and expanding my social circle, my finances, my future plans. I’m back to the point of keeping myself busy to get to where I want to be. I’m back to the point of keeping a close eye on my spending so I can save enough to buy the plane ticket and to have money when I land. I’m back to the point of keeping to myself and not making friends so it won’t be as bad when I leave again. I miss where I was in Australia. I had what I wanted. I didn’t have to worry about saving enough money to get to another country, I didn’t have to keep myself from making friends because I didn’t have to worry about how difficult it would be to say goodbye, I didn’t have to keep myself from settling.

…I figured out something.

…I realized something.

…I laughed.

…I smiled.

…I lived.

7483

I can’t stop thinking. I hate when I get like this…I thought I was done earlier, but I was wrong.
My day has been ruined. I normally enjoy having a couple hours a day to myself to think, but today-today I had too much, and now I can’t stop thinking.

:: I can’t just forget. I can’t forget about him or her or him or them. I can’t forget about how much fun it was back then. I can’t forget about the fights that were meaningless. I can’t forget about the way it was for everyone when we got along and talked and hung out together. I can’t forget about those memories…

:: I can’t just stop. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t stop hurting. I can’t stop thinking it would be betrayal. I can’t bring myself to do anything different because it will always feel like betrayal. I can’t stop feeling the way I do. I can’t stop wishing I was still a part of that. I can’t stop wanting to pick up the phone and call him.

:: I can’t stop hoping things will get better. I can’t stop hoping I will finally be happy in all aspects of my life. I can’t stop wishing time would just pass…

:: I can’t stop hoping someone will read this and do something about it.

I’ve had a pretty shitty couple of days. I’ve been getting sick and my mind really is not where it should be. I realised that today when I was walking to class. In the wrong building. I did the same thing the day before for the exact same class. I got all the way to the room and remembered that lectures aren’t held in there. So, I had to walk all the way to the other side of the campus to the right building and the right room for that class. I made the same mistake today. I got off the bus at the wrong stop and had to walk for about 10 minutes to get to the correct building.

I don’t know where my mind is. I can’t concentrate in class. I zone out and think about something that is not relevant to the class for a while and then as the lecturer moves, I get stirred out of it and forced back to reality. I missed two whole slides today in zoology because of it. I can’t even tell you what I was thinking about, because I don’t remember it.

Something is wrong with me. And I don’t know what it is.

I did some similar stuff like this back in university in Missouri. I was putting on make up or something in the bathroom when the thought of how much I love Colgate toothpaste crosses my mind. It didn’t strike me as odd until I got back to my room and saw that I don’t even use Colgate.

I think I am missing something or getting too much of something else.

I’ve realised that this affects my relations with other people too. At first I thought it was stress, but now I’m not so sure. I was working on a report last Monday when I kept getting texts from someone. I was getting short with my responses and I could feel myself resenting the people at the table who were talking loudly and moving my stuff. I don’t normally care. They weren’t talking any louder than usual and my things weren’t really moved much and I was responding to all the texts like I usually do, but something was different and I wasn’t myself.

I have cut before. And that was never in an attempt to end my life. It was more of a release. I felt something other than emotional pain, and it was good. I have stopped, but I don’t know if that is permanent. I see opportunities and I contemplate taking them. I don’t expect it to help my current situation, but it’s a way to distract myself while I figure other things out. And it was probably not the best idea to put that up here. But no one really reads this anyone, so I don’t care at this point.

I don’t want to go to a shrink who will try to get me to tell them deep, dark secrets or search my past (which is never reliable when told by anyone) for answers to why I am “acting out of character” because I’ve done all that. I went to therapy, unpaid and provided by the university, my last semester because I was thinking about suicide. I took myself there without any one’s contribution and within a week, I was back to “normal” me. Nothing was revelational there, nothing was figured out. I just stopped thinking about it. (I should add that I never wanted to commit suicide. I just thought about what it would be like and how to do it. I never took any steps to follow through with it. I have never been suicidal.)

I don’t know what to do though. I think I might start searching the web for answers. You would be hard-pressed to find something in a book that is not on the internet. So, I am going to do a little soul searching or something, I guess.

But right now, I have a statistics test.

tracking breadcrumbs

I attempt to stir up courage

By taking a deep breath

While looking, while thinking

Of the forest’s depths,

The song I heard before,

The singer I wish I knew.

How many others have been here?

Who else heard the muse?

Gathering my thoughts

I look down at my trail,

One step, and another

Praying that I do not fail.