I had this list of topics that I wanted to write about. I got really bored one night at work and just wrote down all the things I wanted to write about because they were bothering me. That was about two weeks ago. I think I touched on some of them in my last post (the one where I really wrote) so I don’t know what all to really try to cover in this one. I feel the need to write though. About something…anything…

I’ve decided to give myself a break from saving money for the year. I need a social life, and to do that I’m going to need money. So, instead of ten thousand dollars I am cutting it back to at least five thousand dollars. I know I’m not going to be able to work the amount of hours that I need/want to save that much, and with uni coming back into play and the possibility of paying rent to live away from my parents, I am going to be scrapping by.
I know that I don’t need to save the money, but I want to. And it’s still not the main priority in my life. I’ve got extra laying around and I’ll use it when I need to (for myself or for my friends). I splurged a bit on Saturday. I sent a good friend to another town to get away from drama and then took myself and another friend out to Fayetteville for a hookah. I needed a night out and even though I have two others planned, I needed to get out of town. The stress from work and family was too much and I needed to de-stress. (I feel like I am just repeating myself, but at this point I do not care.)

As far as uni plans go for next semester, I am still unsure. I was talking to my brother-in-law about going to a different university all together and I really think I want to. The only thing is, I won’t be able to work nearly enough, if any at all, to save money. I need to get a good education though, and the uni here in town is just not good enough for chemistry degrees. And I won’t be considered for as many scholarships since they do not have a marching band. If I go to the other uni in Fayetteville, I can do colorguard again and get money that way. And get the chance of being on television for football games, haha. I guess more news on that later…

I’ve been thinking about getting old… I don’t want to get old. I’ve always said that I would never be “old” and now I am pretty sure that I never will. I have been thinking about the residents I take care of and I see the ones who have Alzheimer’s Disease and dementia and if I ever get to that point, I want someone to put me down so I don’t have to burden those I love. I don’t care how that sounds, I’ve seen what that disease can do and it’s not something that I would wish on my worst enemy.

I’ve also been thinking about dating again. I’ve never really dated around, hell I’ve never really dated period. It was like pulling teeth to get my previous boyfriends to do something outside of the room. So, I’m going to allow myself to date around. Misty and I talked about that today, and I don’t know if I’ll really be able to do it. I get a little possessive when it comes to potential suitors. I know that I would want to date around, but I know a part of me will not like knowing that those guys would be dating around as well. It’s a little retarded and I know I will have to work on it before dating becomes even close to happening. I want the physical part back pretty badly though. I love kissing… I might call some guys and see what happens.

This summer is going to be busy for me. I was talking to Brendan over the hookah and plans are in the works for a trip to Seattle this July. My mum and I were talking about going to New York in May, but other plans have come up where surgery is needed and another friend is coming up and I haven’t seen her in over a year. So, I’m gonna probably going to Seattle for a week. I’m a bit excited at the idea of going to another unknown place.

I’ve run out of patience. And a television show is on that I want to see. And I have work in a couple hours.

….I have no idea where to begin this. So much is going through my head and I can’t focus on just one thing anymore. I know a lot of people want to ask questions, but I can’t answer them either because it’s none of their business or it would seriously take all day to get them to the point of understanding because so much has happened.

I made a list about a week ago. I used to make to-do lists all the time in high school. Kind of like my way of coping with stress and deadlines and such. This one was a little more difficult to write.
-Get copies of transcripts mailed
-Get sponsorship for CNA classes
-Re-enrol in CNA classes
-Re-enrol in uni classes
-Look into tutoring chemistry (high school?)
-Looking into mentoring kiddos
-Learn one phrase in Japanese every day
-Set up library account (use Misty’s address)
-Read one chapter a day from Bible
I need to add some things to it, but that’s what I wrote down that day.

I have failed at most of these things. I found out the other day that I’m most likely going to owe the uni in Australia some money or something. I never technically withdrew from the school, and I cannot simply fill out the forms to do so. Since I was an international student, I was supposed to meet with an international advisor prior to submitting the application. So I’m waiting on a response from some people over there before I go any further. I found out this when I also found the application for a transcript. I will have to pay ten dollars for them to mail a copy to the uni I will be attending this summer. I’m putting off getting the transcript from the other university due to the past communications. I have to re-enrol in CNA classes because I was sick as the second week. I took a trip to Joplin after the first week of classes to see some friends and I came back with an illness. I was convinced it was strep throat the first day and had to miss class on Tuesday so I could go to the doctor and get medication. My mother called into work and told them she’d be a little late since she had to take me to the doctor and my two-year old cousin, Hannah Grace, to Mommy’s Day Out. On the way, Hannah Grace told my mum that I needed a band-aid. Anyway, the doctor tested for strep and it was negative; then stated that mono needed to be considered. However, since it was early on in the illness, he wanted to try an antibiotic and if I wasn’t better by Friday to go back for blood tests. I was better on Thursday. The bad news is since I missed two days of classes I couldn’t continue my CNA training and would have to restart everything. The even worse news is the next in-take for CNA classes is February 2^nd. I’m unsure about mentoring and tutoring, but I’ve been thinking it would be nice to volunteer and help kids in the area. I love kids and I love teaching, so it might work. I’ve got a thing for learning different… things and Japanese is one of them at the moment. I figure I’ll need to know at least one Asian language in Australia and Japanese seems to be the best one to learn given my resources. I’ve discovered anime and I do enjoy hearing them speak. I guess I’m just curious and intrigued. I did this a few years back with German and really enjoyed it.
I need to get back to where I was in high school. In terms of my walk with God at least. I was so excited about going to church and hearing a message and talking to him daily. I’ve strayed so much. So, I’m reading (or at least attempting to) a chapter at least every day. I’ve not been doing so well with this one either. I did read today out of Proverbs. I’ll probably start posting about it too.

I would write more, but it’s getting late and I’ll have to be up early tomorrow to watch the kids.

starting again

I start classes tomorrow to be a certified nurse assistant, or CNA. 8 am will come too early, but it’s going to be well worth it.
Once I start classes, I have three weeks to get a sponsor to pay the $480 for tuition and sign a contract to work around a year. No dramas.
I talked to the local university and have enrolled. Summer classes start soon and I will be registering for as many science classes as possible.
…I’m going to have a surplus of at least $10,000 by the end of the year. I have to have it.

The drama has certainly picked up since I’ve been back, and it’s not all bad. I miss having real situations to talk about and helping people. I don’t miss being involved in said drama and having to walk on egg shells around other people.
I can’t mention several points here, but things have gotten…odd. I’m not sure what the hell is going on anymore. I’m trying not to care…

guess where I am now…

I am sitting at the computer desk in my parents’ house in Arkansas. Again.
…and I absolutely hate it.

I had to leave Australia for reasons beyond my control. No, they did not have anything to do with the fact that the relationship I was in when I arrived down under went sour very quickly, though some people will not believe me when I say that. The fact of the matter is: university tuition became a burden for my parents, so much so I could not ask them to go into more debt for me. When I first got to Australia, the exchange rate was around $0.65 American for $1.00 Australian. When I was looking at the exchange rate this past month it was $0.97 American for $1.00 Australian. One thousand dollars was really one thousand dollars again. Had the Australian dollar not gained so much strength (or the American dollar loose so much) I would have stayed in Queensland and would be enrolled in classes again for Semester 1. Alas, I am not.
Most people look at me and ask why I didn’t get a job to help pay for school. I tried. Ninety percent of job openings were for business hours only, not a schedule that my classes would allow. The other ten percent of job openings were for positions that I was not qualified for. So, finding a job that I could actually keep was more difficult than anyone expected.

There is more to the story than that, as one would imagine, but I am leaving it there for now. I have too much on my mind, like…

…getting enrolled in university over here. I will return to Australia (though some people don’t believe me when I say that either) with a degree. Or a marriage certificate. I will find the cheapest, quickest route to permanent residency in Australia as soon as possible. I will have to finish my degree in the States though, much to my dismay. I was really counting on a diploma from Oz with certified qualifications and such in order to almost guarantee a job in the country. Contrary to my family’s ideas, a degree from the States does not always mean you are considered better educated. Especially when that degree is from a small town in a small state that no one in Australia knows of. Other than Bill Clinton’s homestate.

…getting a job. I need to get some money soon. My parents are not doing as well financially as most people seem to think, and I hate asking for more money to go see friends they don’t know. Or paying for my food. Or my entertainment. I hate asking them for money anymore. I’m old enough to support myself, and as soon as I get a job, I am helping with bills. I’ve got to get two jobs at least, in order to save up money to backpack through Europe before I return to Australia. And the visa I will need to get a job there. And the plane tickets. And my trip to New York. I’ve got to get a job as soon as possible.

…my sister. I received a call this morning from my sister who lives about 5 hours away. There’s evidence of someone trying to break in to her house and she doesn’t want to be alone this weekend while her husband takes care of a sick friend. I was asked to stay with her. Anyone who knows my family knows that I do not get along with my sister. We can’t be in the same room, or house for that matter, without arguing over anything and everything. She’s very firm in her/her husband’s beliefs and I have my own way of thinking. We can’t even watch a movie without arguing over the plot or what we would have done in that position. And not to mention I would have to have fuel to get to her place and back. And if you have been reading this, you know I have no job right now and money is tight. She offered to fill my tank when I got down there, but I can’t travel very far on my small fuel tank. I feel horrible for leaving her alone, but I feel horrible for asking my parents to pay for my way down there. I’m stuck.

…my friend. I got word today that my friend who lives two hours away is in a very stressful and saddening situation. I won’t go into details here, but if you believe in God, please say a prayer for him and his family. I’m going to visit him, as planned, for New Years and hope to take his mind off the recent events.

…Australia. I keep coming back to Australia. I miss that place. I miss my friends, the beach, the sun, the atmosphere, the smell of the grass, ect. I hate thinking of it, but it keeps me going through the day.

So, now that I have actually written something here, I am going to bed. It’s late and I’m supposed to be tired. Maybe the wine will kick in soon.

Take care all.
~Kristin Nichole

ugh

So, I’ve been pretty busy lately. I’ve needed to write, but I haven’t really had the desire or the time. I’ve started to lose my way…
Thoughts have been crossing my mind recently that are almost un-nerving. The more I am left to myself, the less I feel like I need people. I’m content being alone. I have learned to not thrive on interactions with other people. My thoughts and writings have been my only constant companion and I like it like that. Nevertheless, I am forced to interact with other people for extended periods of time in order to get tasks accomplished. Exhibit A: my statistics project which is a partner project. Exhibit B: lab time for zoology. Exhibit C: walking in the door at home. I’ve had constant contact with other people and have had to sacrifice my personal time to help others pass class.
And I finally got to think the other night. And I realised: I feel more alone when I am around people. I feel the need to be around more and more people after having spent an hour talking with someone else. I imagine myself looking around, searching for someone, finding them and just hugging. I imagine just sitting next to someone else and being completely quiet, while saying so much.
It’s positive feedback. I don’t mean it is a good thing, I mean it’s a situation where exposure to something makes you crave it and there is no platuea.
I mentioned to a friend today that I am getting close to one of those days where I just want to cry. Not from hormones, but from the constant exposure to people. I’m pretty confident that she didn’t understand what I was meaning, and I guess that is okay. I didn’t really expect her to get it.
I’ve figured out why I like to be alone.
I’ve figured out why I am the way I am.
I’ve figured out… me.

That said, I have a project due and I need to work on it. Alone.