back “home”

So, I am back in Arkansas.

I’m taking the rest of the day to relax. I’m so “car-lagged”…I’m going to watch a movie. Sweeny Todd.

I’ll be sure to post a blog about the whole thing and make a video. Tomorrow. Now, I’m off to rest.

2 days left…

So, I figured I should post something. I only have like 2 more posts to do (1 after this) and I will have reached my 15 posts goal (or whatever you want to call it) before I leave for New York. Did I mention I only have 2 days left?!

Quite a bit has happened since I posted last. And quite a bit won’t be posted due to the consequences involved…but I can say that work sucks more than usual, my “family” is the same, and I don’t really know what’s going to happen next.
My best friend of almost 15 years went camping last week. My cousin joined her. Update on her: she is leaving for basic in a little over a month…and I don’t really know her anymore. We used to be close (though only cause we knew something about each other…massive secrets make good friends) but now I don’t know her. She is so wrapped up with this new “friend” that I just don’t like. I get a bad vibe from her and I can’t tell my cousin. She’d flip. She always saying she misses me and that we need to hang out…then she goes and changes her number and doesn’t even tell me. I have no way to get a hold of her. And I just saved her butt from going to jail for a few days…I would do anything for her, I love her to death, she’s family after all…but I don’t know her anymore.
I came back to the house from work on Friday. My mother called as soon as I got off work to make sure I was headed there. She had a bad feeling. And she was right. I was sitting on the couch talking on the phone, and my grandmother hollers for me. She’s in pain. Sharp pain in her abdomen. No real reason for it…other than the cancer. So I help…or do whatever she tells me. I don’t think it does anything at all in reality, other than making her think something is changing. I give her two hydromorphones…and she’s still yelling. I call my mother and aunt. After about 20 minutes, my aunt gets to the house and checks her BP and pulse..it’s fine. I go back to her room to check on her and she asks when my mother is getting home. It’s about 6:15pm. My mother has at least 15 minutes left of work and a 7 minute drive back to the house…not what my grandmother wanted to hear. She tears up when she tells me that she misses my mother. I turn and walk out of the room knowing she doesn’t really want me to do anything aside from calling my mother and telling her to come home now. It hurts.
“Nothing against your mom, and don’t take this the wrong way…but it hurts our feelings. To see someone you love in pain and wanting to be there with them…and they only want one of you. And it’s never you they want.”
“I know. And it’s not fair….to anyone.”
Saturday was better. I spent most of the day asleep or editing video. I got about 15 minutes of film edited…and that didn’t include everything I’d shot. And I got more footage today with my sister. So, I’ll be busy for the next few hours….fun fun.

2 days, 12 hrs, 26 mins, 58 secs

9 days left….

And it has been made aware that I will have to post at least once a day for 6 days to reach my 15 posts minimum before I leave…so here we go.

I spent most of the day with my sister. We went to IHOP and ate a lovely breakfast at 12pm. Great conversation, great company. And seeing as how I won’t see her before she leaves tomorrow, it just seemed fitting that we went shopping for her. She didn’t really buy much, just some stuff for the cats and dogs, but then we went looking at dishes. Her husband refuses to take the dishes they have, so my sister gets to buy brand new ones. She is having a ball looking at the variety of shapes, sizes, colors and textures.
“Look at this! It’s the perfect bowl!”
“It’s so deep! It’s perfect for cereal! And ice cream….”
“It’s a good bowl.”
“That’s more of a salad bowl, not so good for cereal…”
We walked around several stores looking at dishes, putting our hands in the bowls to make sure they were deep enough to work for cereal. And we cannot forget the mugs. Some were absolutely perfect for soup or ice cream, some just for hot cocoa or coffee. It was so much fun walking around making jokes and generally having a good Sunday afternoon. The perfect end.

I also must clean this room with my bed and clothes in it. I am having difficulty finding certain items of clothing in the mornings when I am getting dressed for work. I have to have some kind of organization back in here or I am likely to go crazy. I believe I will have a new video up by the end of the day as well. I need to get some footage back on the internet for those people who liked the last one enough to ask for more.
“Each video gets better!”
“Let’s make another. But what of?”

So, today will be the beginning of my last full week before I leave for New York. I am looking into suitcases for the trip…well, more seriously. The one I have is absolutely too small for 5 days worth of clothing and shoes for me. Some people could get by with it, but not me. I need something bigger. I am hoping to spend no more than $60 for it, but we’ll see. I also need a carry-on bag that is big enough for the things I plan on having on the plane. I hope to put my Ipod in and be wrapped up in a book so I don’t think about being 30,000 feet above the ground….but we’ll see.

9 days left….

….

So, I figure this video won’t suffice as a post…so here I go elaborating.

Today was one of the more relaxing days I’ve had. I never left the house. I slept in as long as my body would let me…about 8:30 am. And I went to bed late. I just laid there. I laid down for a couple of hours trying to coax my body in to sleeping some more. It just wouldn’t listen. My mind ran with random thoughts. Work followed by crap followed by work followed by family…followed by crap again. So I figured I’d go ahead and get up for the day. I planned on cleaning the house for my mother. I tried to convince myself into cleaning for her. I owe her that much. But I took a shower and got dressed and sat on the couch and watched television till my brain felt like it was rotting out. So I flipped over to movies. I also played on the computer for hours. And I got ice cream.
:: So today was okay. Better than last night…I’m so tired of that. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep over something I have no control over. And I have no control over it. I never will. It’s not up to me. It never was. I can’t say I’m okay…I never can. But I can try to explain myself, even though I don’t understand myself either.
:: You ask me why. I don’t know exactly why, I never will. I will never understand why I would want to be with anyone. I am not a social person. I never have been, never will be. But here you come. In less than 2 weeks I talked to you more than anyone else, more than everyone else combined. I’ve never clicked with someone so quickly, so well. It scared the hell out of me. You quickly became my best friend. You will always be my best friend. I can talk to you so freely. About anything. You knew my darkest secrets…and you didn’t try to talk me out of what I was doing. You listened to me and that was that. That meant so much to me, it still does. You just accepted who I was, no change needed. And then you grew to be someone special to me. Someone I want to see every day…talk to every day. And we can talk about anything and everything. Starcrunch. And I love it….

…24 days left.

June 4, 2008

I was informed that my last post was…insufficient. So, here is a longer post. Nothing too interesting about it…but here you go. Happy now?

I hate my job.
:: Let me elaborate. I really hate my job. I can’t stand going into work every day of the week. I dread waking up in the mornings. I am so exhausted after work, that I could sleep 10 hours straight every night. And I don’t usually sleep that much. I can’t stand to get the much sleep. But it’s an escape from the hell that is my work place. The only problem with sleeping so much is that I dream about work. I fell asleep in the tanning bed one afternoon…and dreamed about work. I can’t get away from there.

I only have 27 days left.
:: And the fact that the whole trip is starting to seem surreal….I am more excited about this than I think I have ever been about anything. I can’t wait. I get to count down the days at work on my desk. (The one thing that keeps me from shooting myself…or someone else.) I am constantly thinking about the trip. I get to finally do all the things that I’ve been planning, hoping, dreaming, wishing…everything. It’s going to be one of the highlights of my life. I’m so excited! New York!!!

I spent the afternoon with a friend today.
:: I got to see a friend today. We went tanning…and then to eat…and then to her apartment for YouTube videos. And I had her watch-well, listen really-a video that I saw-or heard-yesterday. The reactions were priceless. I wish I had them on film. It was so much fun to watch her…I need to find more of those videos so I can record the reactions….