Category Archives: love

Feeling like a good day…


Even though it’s a Monday and I’ve been binge watching Chopped (thank you Netflix), I’ve had a fantastic day.

I hit the gym before lunch.
I got my puppy some meds and scheduled for vaccine boosters.
I did my make up and felt like a pretty girl for the first time in a while.
Plans to hit Pinnacle Mountain are in the works.
I get to see some awesome girls later this week.
I only work 2 days this week, so I’m just super happy right now.

 

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Today is my favorite kind of day


I woke up early this morning.

I didn’t have to work for the first time in 6 days.

I made a real breakfast (spinach omelet, veggie sausage, smoothie).

I went to church.

That’s right. I went to a new church for the first time since I moved here. I’m a little disappointed in myself for not having done this last year when I had more time and no school to worry about. But better late than never. It’s not easy for me to do things alone. I’m very anti-social by nature and prefer to be a home-body on my days off work. But, today was different. I did some Google-ing last night and found a few Baptist churches near me. And this morning, I chose one and drove to it. I was a little late thanks to missing my turn,  but no matter: this church didn’t do that whole “say hi to your neighbor” thing. Thank God. Sadly, I have to work the next 3 weekends, but I might be able to swing it to where I go in early and take a longer lunch so I can at least hear the sermon. We’ll see. They also live stream the services. 

I got in a run. Not a full 3 miles, but it was hotter than I anticipated. And I am going to cover a little distance in the morning.

 

I haven’t been in a relationship in almost a year.
I haven’t really wanted one since (or even during the last year of that particular one).
I love that I have been able to focus work and school and now, really getting involved in a church again.

 

I’m sure no one I know reads this, but just in case Andrew still does: For the record, I never cheated on you. And I haven’t been with anyone since you. I’m sure you can’t say the same. I never sought comfort in Brendan’s or Barry’s beds, or anyone else’s for that matter. This time last year, you lied to me when you said you loved me. And like an idiot, I tried to believe you wanted to be with me. And I’m so glad I left you. I only regret that it took me so long to do so. I hope that you get what you deserve in life, I hope you get back exactly what you put out there. But maybe you’ve grown up and realized your mistakes. Maybe, but not likely. 

Repost from February 2011: Today…


I never feel pretty enough or smart enough or interesting enough or engaging enough for anyone. I always feel worse than second-best. I’ve written about it in blogs before, and I tried to find some of them, but I ran into other topics that sent me into a deeper funk than before.

I miss being in love. And a part of me was deluded enough to settle for what we are doing. Being friends that happen to enjoy physical acts with each other. I mean, what is a relationship if not that? Two close friends that are physically involved. I know there is a deeper connection or whatever to it, but essentially that is what I want out of a relationship. I want to be with my best friend again. (I do not want a relationship with you. I hope we still have that clear. I do enjoy spending time with you and we have fun in the bedroom, but I won’t get involved with you beyond that emotionally.) Good God, I miss being in love. I miss having someone at home and waking up next to them.
But today wasn’t exactly about that. I just don’t feel like I’m enough. For anyone. I’ve had this conversation with Caleb (who did not help when he assured me that there would always be someone who was more than me in whatever category I was putting myself) and with Brendan (who completely did not get what I was saying) and various other people. I can’t even keep a fuck buddy happy with my looks or my conversation or whatever. I feel like a piece of ass most of the time. Richard was texting me and Billy was trying to talk on Facebook and Chase kept talking about sex. It feels like I’m who they turn to when they are horny and want nothing else than my body.
But I’m never the first choice. I never turn heads in the mall, I never get random compliments like my friends, I hardly ever have guys offer to buy me drinks, I never have guys staring at me when I walk by.
Today, I felt extremely unattractive and uninteresting and stupid. And there is nothing I can do about it.
The conversation we had about cheating partners just solidified every insecurity. I was never enough for Caleb. He never left Jessica, she left him and I was dumb enough to be there the next month and spend a week with him. I tolerated his emotional detachment to me and was okay with his constant attachment to another girl, because I was dumb enough to believe him when he said she meant nothing to him. I felt even more stupid when, after we broke up, he was writing love letters to her saying that he never felt so strongly for another person and how special she was.
I never feel like enough because I’ve never been enough.